The Corrective Emotional Experience

Posted on August 8, 2020 by admin

Adults entering therapy often cite “relationship issues” as a reason for wanting psychological help. Relationships are hard. Break-ups hurt. Divorce is destabilizing for everyone who is affected by it. So, how do we heal from the trauma of relationship loss, and/or the relational abuses that many of us suffer in our lives? Not surprisingly, the answer to this question also has to do with relationship. Put simply…the way to heal the legacy of a “bad” relationship is through a sustained experience in a “good” relationship. In therapy, a key “healing” relationship can be the relationship a client has with their therapist. It doesn’t have to be a therapist though. Any sustained “good” relationship can go a long way to healing the after effects of a “bad” relationship. A “healing” relationship can also be thought of as a “corrective emotional experience”.

Here is how and why it works

Early Relational Experiences: As young children we are very dependent on our parents or caregivers to fulfill our needs. For those of us with dependable, available, loving caregivers…this works out well. We learn to be able to trust adults charged with our care. Some of us are not so lucky though. The adults in our life are not dependable or available to us. They may even be physically or emotionally abusive. So.. What does this mean as we grow into adults?

The Relational Blueprint In Our Minds: According to attachment research, we learn how to be in relationship by applying the “working model” we learned in our childhood through the relationships we had with caregivers. If we were badly treated, this is what we learn to expect in subsequent relationships. Understandably, we may be wary and distrustful. We may even “sabotage” new relationships by “breaking up” with someone…before they have the chance to break up with us. We want relationships, but we can’t trust them.

Correcting Our Internal working model: Fortunately our brains are blessed with the miracle of “neuroplasticity”. When we have new relationships that are dependable, loving, empathic, and lasting…we are actually laying down new neural pathways that create trust and the expectation of ongoing security. The more relationships we have that are dependable and stable the better.

So…what’s the Takeaway?: When you consider all of the ingredients of “self care”, don’t forget to include relationship maintenance. Weather it be it your family member, your long-term significant other, or your close friends, they are all important parts of keeping that relational neural pathway strong and reliable. There is simply no return on investment that can come close to this one, so nurture these relationships. It has been documented over and over again that deathbed regrets are never about material wealth…they are about neglected or unresolved and unrepaired relationships. Don’t let this be you. Spend time finding, nurturing, and repairing relationships whenever possible. You won’t regret it.

What Does It Really Mean To Be There For One Another?

Posted on June 10, 2020 by admin

When a couple is in distress a common complaint from both partners is: “My partner is not really “there” for me the way I need them to be. The complaint is vague but strongly felt, so it is worthwhile to unpack what it really means. What is it exactly that is “lacking” when your partner is not there for you? Here are some ideas I have heard from many couples and individuals over the years, along with some thoughts about how address this issue:

When your partner is really “there” for you they understand you, appreciate you, and “get” why you feel as you do. If this is not happening it probably means that the two of you are not communicating effectively. The key to effective communication is that you must listen very carefully and without interruption to what is being said, and then check to make sure you got it right. This kind of reflective listening does not mean that you are listening in order to “solve” the problem, if there is one. You are only trying to understand. Understanding then becomes the bridge to finding empathy with your partner, and forming the trusting and equal “partnership” that will eventually lead to a solution. Often the solutions don’t come right away…so you need patience…with yourself and your partner.

Being there for each other has also been described to me by couples as a sense that your partner has your back in situations where you need an ally…you need someone who is truly on your “side”. This does not mean couples always agree with each other about how they “see” a particular situation. In fact, sometimes it is helpful to consider another point of view. In the long run though, you, as a couple are a “united” front. In parenting situations the importance of the “united” front really plays out as the parents come to what could be a “compromise” in terms of how to handle children. The kids always benefit from the security of this united front. Other situations where you might need your partner to “have your back” would be in dealing with in-laws or friends where you may feel betrayed when your partner violates your privacy and trust and gives away sensitive information without your permission. (Hence the expression, “you did that behind my back”.”You did not protect me”)

Finally, the importance of physical presence to each other when you are a couple cannot be overstated. We need each other physically, but also we need to be “available” to one another even when physical closeness is not possible. Giving the gift of our time, not to solve or minimize a problem, but just to listen deeply and without judgment is a practice, which is both healing and bonding.

Hopefully, this sheds some light on the complex dynamic of being there for one another. The practices that help us bond and attach securely and sustainably to each other are applicable in all relationships, from romantic to parental to our close friendships.

The Perks of “Dating” online

Posted on May 28, 2020 by admin

Many aspects of our lives have been affected by recent “shelter in place” and quarantine directives. Among the changes and adjustments we have had to make concern the world of “dating”. Sure…. we’ve had online and mobile dating apps for a while. What’s different now, though, is that there is an indefinite time between “meeting” someone new online and then following up by meeting them in person. Is this a good thing, or a bad thing?

Actually, in some ways I think a prolonged period of getting to know someone “virtually”, can be a good thing. “Slowing down” the process of courtship may allow two people to get to know one another on a deeper more intimate level before the “chemistry” of attraction complicates things. You may even find yourself feeling that its “safer” emotionally to be more vulnerable and “open” than you might allow yourself to be in person. The key is to focus on really being your true self, rather than who you might like to be, or think you “should” be.

IN OTHER WORDS, BE AUTHENTIC

Authenticity means being real, and maybe even flying your “freak flag” around a bit.

It means allowing yourself to be imperfect, and even humanly flawed.

It also means not covering up or changing anything about yourself, based on what you think might be “better” or more acceptable to the person you are talking to.

With prolonged “online” relationships, the stakes are not so high, and you are less likely to be hurt when things don’t work out. If you have not yet invested your “body” in a relationship, you can “let go” more easily.

OTHER ADVANTAGES TO MORE EXTENDED ONLINE DATING?

How about the fact that you can take a “deep dive” into being curious about this other person very early on in the relationship? You can find out if they are really “right” for you as a lifelong romantic partner before you make the physical commitment. Maybe this person is great as a “friend” but that’s as far as it will go…and that’s OK. Maybe you will find yourself making an excellent lifelong friend.

There is nothing wrong with that.

TAKING IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL

If this turns out to be a relationship that holds promise for you both, there will come a time when you’ll meet in person. At this point you will have already become “friends” in a more emotionally intimate, committed sense. Starting a more romantic relationship as good friends is a great way to start.

Ironically, the pandemic which has forced so many of us to forgo physical connection for a time, may have something to teach us about how to have more secure physical/emotional relationships in the long run.

Overcoming Loneliness…Well Worth The Investment

Posted on May 6, 2020 by admin

Why Relationships Are Important To Your Health

The latest AARP bulletin identifies “loneliness” as a growing epidemic among our elder population. During the holidays, when the emphasis is put so squarely on connecting with family and friends, its important to remember that not all of us are spending time in the safe and warm cocoon of these vital connections. Research on physical and emotional “well being” and longevity strongly points to the importance of human relationships as the glue that holds us all together. This “glue” refers to our friendships, our families, and our most intimate romantic connections. Simply put…humans are “social” creatures from cradle to grave. When we are deprived of close physical and emotional relationships, the body begins to shut down and there is a “failure to thrive” that is evident at a cellular level in humans. Our immune systems are compromised and we may succumb to opportunistic infections and maladies.

What Can Be Done To Combat Isolation in Others and Ourselves?

The first step is just simple awareness of feeling “alone” and isolated. The definition of “loneliness” does not necessarily mean that you are always lonely when you are alone. The subjective “feeling” of loneliness is much more about feeling disconnected and misunderstood even when you are physically connected to another person. We are familiar with the concept of a “lonely” marriage for example.

If you find yourself consistently lonely weather or not you have people around you…start researching groups or locations where you might find like-minded people. It could be anything…doesn’t matter. If you’re finding it difficult to find your “tribe”…it might be because you have not spent enough time building a relationship with yourself. Who are you? What do you like? What kinds of activities bring you joy and fulfillment? Begin slowly conversing with people as you engage in activities. It gets easier and easier.

Are there people from your past who you’ve lost touch with? If so.. Spend some time rediscovering them. In the process. You will rediscover yourself.

Last but not least…offer yourself up as a volunteer with others who are lonely. Volunteer in a Senior Center or Assisted care facility. You will find it enormously rewarding.

Just remember…its never too late to nurture an active and fulfilling social life. You won’t regret it

What Is Your Love Language?

Posted on April 29, 2020 by admin

When I see a couple for the first time, I often ask each person separately, but within earshot of the other: “What do you want in this relationship that you are not now getting?” A common answer is, “I want to feel loved”, or “I want to feel as though we are in love”. Maybe the feeling used to be there but has now gone, or maybe something is “missing” that each member of this couple longs for and has never quite arrived.

Upon further exploration with this generic couple, it becomes clear that each individual person has a unique way of giving and receiving love. From childhood we learned that love is shown to us through a unique combination of words, actions, and physical gestures, and these are the ways that we also learned to show that we love others. Giving and receiving love are simply different sides of the same coin. In our original families we developed a Love language made up of these words, gestures, and actions that we all understood without having to specifically talk about it much. If we were lucky enough to be well loved, the love just flowed. It just happened.

Fast forward to finding a love partner, we all still long to be loved in the way that we once felt. Even if we did not get enough love in childhood, we hopefully at least got a taste of what we now want more of. Now though, we are with a new person. This person developed a love language in their respective childhood that is different from ours. How can we find a common language of love with each other? How can we become better attuned with what our partner needs and wants, while also getting our own needs met?

In his bestseller book, “The Five Love Languages”, Gary Chapmen offers a solution to this problem by suggesting that there are five main ‘Love” languages in human relationships. If we can discern which of these languages, or combination of languages, best fits our definition of giving and receiving love…. and if we can discern which languages work for our partner, we can move closer to speaking the same language.

Here are the five languages, very briefly stated. See where you fit in.

Words of Affirmation: You feel loved when loving; affirming, appreciative words are said to you. Words are important

Acts of Service: It feels really good when your partner does nice things for you and in turn you like to do nice things, often without being asked

Receiving gifts: You love giving and receiving gifts, large and small. You like to give and receive in thoughtful and unexpected ways

Quality time: Nothing is more important than giving quality time to one another. This time is for the two of you only

Physical touch: As humans we need this. It does not need to be sexual, although this can be important. It could simply be a warm hug.

So, back to our generic couple, lets suppose one member of this couple needs words of affirmation and love, loves to give these things, but has a harder time with the physical aspects of showing love. Because this couple cares about one another, they will each listen to what the other person longs for, while also stating clearly their own needs. The listening and caring creates the bridge that makes it possible to become more of what is needed for your partner, while your partner is also doing the same for you. You and your partner are now becoming your own family, in a sense, and you are creating a new love language that is unique to you as a couple. This is what will sustain you and create longevity and vitality in your relationship.

Finding a Secure, Resilient Relationship; Three keys to “Fixing Your Picker”

Posted on March 19, 2020 by admin

All of us are familiar with the “Prince charming” myth. Basically, the story is that “somewhere out there” our perfect soul mate exists. Our only job is to “find” this ideal person, wherever they might be.

The reality is of course much different. Relationships fail, despite the way they begin, with such promise, such excitement, and such hope for a “happily ever after.” Unfortunately, the ripple effects of failed relationships extend far beyond the original people involved. Families break up. Children, in particular are traumatized.

But, what about the relationships that succeed? What about relationships that sustain, grow and deepen over long periods of time? What’s the key to this longevity? What can we learn?

It seems to me it’s got something to do with “picking” and “choosing” at the very outset of any relationship. How can you “know” that a relationship is right for you? How can you move beyond the initial excitement of attraction?

Here are some guidelines to help in your “discernment” process.

Three keys to fine tuning your “picker”

KNOW YOURSELF

Who are you? Begin a process of developing an honest inner dialog with yourself wherein you know how you are in relationship to others. Notice if you feel better when you have close and frequent contact with a partner, as opposed to more time to yourself. If you have an “attachment style” that dictates a need for more frequent contact, you might want to choose someone who more closely mirrors your style. Also…. what is your “love language”? Do you like a lot of physical contact? Do you thrive when you receive a lot of “words of affirmation” from a loved one?

GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER

Who is your partner? What can you find out about their “attachment style”? How does your partner prefer to show and be shown love? Answers to these questions can come through your “open ended” questions about previous relationships. Don’t hesitate to ask the important questions.

TAKE YOUR TIME WITH NEW RELATIONSHIPS. LET THEM EVOLVE

Above all, don’t be in a hurry. Experiment with spending longer times with a new relationship…including being with them 24/7…like on an extended vacation. This allows for opportunities to have leisurely conversations, and to see each other as you really are…not always as your best and most “polished” self. If you see “red flags…pay attention. There is way too much at stake to simply ignore these signs.

So, what can you expect if you follow these three steps, as outlined above?
Here is what I can tell you…what I know for sure:
There is no magic solution to finding a relationship that is uniquely suited for you. Like most things worthwhile in life, the results you seek take time, patience, faith, and perseverance. Be prepared to experience some “false starts”, and know that these too are a part of the process. Most of all, don’t give up hope. The reward for hanging in there is well worth the wait

Dating online after age 50? The “secret sauce” to Fastrack success

Posted on December 6, 2019 by admin

If you find yourself wanting to date after 50 you may quickly discover that time has grown shorter in terms of finding the “right” match. Gone are the days when time stretches out infinitely in front of you and you can “kiss” a multitude of “frogs” before you can settle into something comfortable and sustaining. In addition to this, you have reached the time of your life when you are probably no longer worrying about finding the perfect person to raise children with. Instead, what I hear amongst clients, friends, and family members who are looking to date, is that everyone is looking for a true and loving human connection. In the long run this counts way more than physical attraction. We all want to be seen, heard, and treasured, and this is never truer than in the relationship we seek with a life partner.

SO HOW DO WE GET THE CONNECTION WE DESIRE?

Relationship psychologist Arthur Aron offers a suggestion for accelerating emotional intimacy. It’s a solution that lends itself beautifully to the “online” dating universe. A central premise of Dr. Arons ideas about finding emotional intimacy is that two people become closer when they allow themselves to be vulnerable to one another. What this means is that both partners must gradually feel emotionally “safe” enough to “self disclose” feelings, and experiences, from the deepest recesses of their inner lives. These are the things that are often not spoken to just anyone, which means that both partners must share in equal measure.

BUT HOW DO I KNOW I CAN TRUST SOMEONE NEW WITH MY DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS?

The answer is that you can’t possibly know whom you can trust…not in the beginning. The key is that you both gradually open up to one another, and you do this by asking each other a series of open-ended questions that are structured so that they are increasingly more private, and more revealing. The questions fall into three categories with each category revealing more that the one before if either of you feels uncomfortable with answers along the way, this may be the “red flag” that you are with the wrong person.

HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF QUESTIONS, IN ORDER OF DEEPENING INTIMACY:

Category 1…. Easy “get to know you” questions:

What is a “perfect” day for you?
What famous person would you most like to meet?
If you were old and had to chose between losing physical or mental capacity…which would you choose and why?
What are you most grateful for?

Category 2…Going a little deeper:

What is your greatest accomplishment
What question about yourself would you ask a crystal ball?
What is your best memory…and what is your worst and why?

Category 3…. highest level of tenderness and vulnerability

What are the things you like most about me…like least?
What is your most embarrassing/shameful moment
When did you last cry, and how was that for you

The questions are meant to open people up to one another, but won’t work without equal participation and a willingness to “go further” than the original question. They are geared toward creating deep intimate connection and can work as well for deep friendships as they do for romantic relationships. The advantage is that you will find things out quickly that will help you hone in on the right person, as well as screen out the wrong one

Dating After 50…Its Surprisingly Liberating

Posted on November 13, 2019 by admin

A good friend of mine divorced recently. She, like me, is in her sixties. Her children are launched, she owns a home, and she is secure and happy in her job. She’s terrified though, at the prospect of dating “in the grey years” as she terms this time in her life. “What if I’m all washed up and unattractive now?” she laments. “I don’t know if I can handle the rejection that will inevitably be a part of this process”.

Here are the main points of the little “pep” talk I gave her:

First of all, you need a basic change of “mindset” regarding your value and worth at this time in your life. Take some time to look at and acknowledge all that you bring to the table. Think about all of your life experiences, your rich insights and wisdom, your accomplishments…all that you have to offer
This is a whole new ballgame of dating…completely unlike when you were young and looking for someone you might want to settle down and have a family with. You have no worries about biological clocks, or the “work/life” balance issues that are a part of raising a family. That part of your life is done. Now it’s just about compatibility.
You know yourself far better, hopefully, than you ever have. Just take some time to asses what works and doesn’t work in your relationships. Do this inner work before starting to date, and you will save yourself a lot of heartbreak. The only thing you don’t have, that you might have before, is a whole lot of time for a relationship that was doomed from the start. You can learn to spot those
Be as open minded as possible as far as the superficial physical and/or “lifestyle” details about a person. Of course you can have “deal breaker” characteristics of someone who you can’t be with. But…try to be flexible
Above all…. have fun and be adventurous. Go places and do things with new potential partners that you have not done before. This can be one of the best times of your life

“Consent”…What Does This Mean In the Modern Dating World?

Posted on October 4, 2019 by admin

One of my favorite series on Netflix is called “Working Moms”. It’s basically about a group of working mothers in Canada who meet weekly to talk about juggling their careers and motherhood.

I recently watched an episode that featured a single dad who was asking this group of moms about the concept of “consent”. Apparently he had been on a date and was confused because he asked “permission” before he initiated any physical touch…and he was accused of being “boring and unassertive”

The group tossed around ideas about the meaning of “consent”, and a few women admitted that they sort of enjoyed being “pursued” by a man. Did the need to obtain “consent” mean an end to flirtation and playfulness, they wondered? Where was the fine line between feeling desired, and sought after…. and aggressively “stalked”?

These days I don’t think the answers to these questions are clear cut. The dating “contract” between two people in the era of “me too”is in the process of significant renegotiation. The same rules as before just don’t apply.

So…. I’m thinking that if you are embarking on the project of online dating, its probably a good idea to make a discussion of “consent” part of the “getting to know one another” phase.

How do you each feel about the importance of consent?
Has either of you had bad experiences with lack of consent?
What is a comfortable way to communicate with one another non-verbally as well as verbally about the “comfort level” of what is going on in the “physical” realm?

It seems like if there is a mutual understanding about how each person feels and what the “rules” are, there can be plenty of room for flirtation and spontaneity within the structure

Just talk about it!!

Rediscovering Yourself After Divorce

Posted on September 26, 2019 by admin

Divorce in the United States has become so commonplace that I think we underestimate the psychological impact it has…particularly on the party who feels “blindsided” by its occurrence.

Case in point is a woman I know well who has been married for fifteen years and has several “tween” children. Although she can admit now that there were “red flags” in her marriage that she should not have ignored…. still she was unprepared for her husbands abrupt announcement that he had met the “true” love of his life and he wanted a divorce

WOW…REALLY???

Rebuilding A Coherent Narrative Of Your Life

What I have heard over and over from friends and clients of mine who have been shocked and dismayed by such announcement, is that the entire “story “of your life is turned upside down. You don’t know who you are, what your life means, what you can believe, or where to go from here. You have to start over. You have to construct a new story

The Narrative Of Your Life Depends On Reliable Memories

So, apart from the deep hurt of realizing that your life partner no longer loves you, there is also the disillusioning disorientation of looking back on the life you have had with your partner and wondering what went wrong. Oftentimes couples will “rehash memories from the past and discover that they don’t remember things the same way. This can be very disturbing because we tend to assume that we have “fixed” shared memories with our loved ones. When we learn that our memories are not the same, we may doubt ourselves. Was everything we believed in actually a “lie”? What can I believe in? I don’t “trust” you ( my ex partner) anymore…and perhaps more importantly…. I have lost trust in myself. Have I lied to myself?

Building A New Narrative…. and a stronger More Resilient Sense Of Self

The healing begins with the realization that memory is not as “fixed” and stable as we would like to believe. Our memories of events are in fact ours alone…and they are always colored by the feelings we experienced at the time. In a “divorce” situation, there can be this “out of body” feeling that your “once beloved” ex partner has rewritten history to conform to his/her version of events. It may be a “version” that is very hurtful to you, and casts doubt on everything you thought you knew.

Go Back To What You Know To Be True

The key is to remember that you are the writer of your own story…past present and future. You get to remember things in a way that serves you. Your memories can of course include things that you see now more clearly so you don’t make the same mistakes as before…but you can also choose not to remember things that were hurtful to you. You get to “divorce” yourself from these things.

The important thing is not to forget your past….but rather editorialize it a bit.

Then weave that past into your present and your future.

It’s your story…after all

Anxiety to Peace

Creating and Building Relationships That Last

Category Archives: Relationship Help