Clinical Psychologist Harville Hendrix, and his wife, Helen Lakelly Hunt have been doing research in the field of couples counseling for the past thirty years.  In Dr. Hendrix’s books, “Getting The Love You Want” and “Keeping The Love You Find”, he introduces the reader to an idea which was revolutionary at the time the book was released.  The concept Dr. Hendrix proposed was that our relationships with early caregivers have a powerful impact on “partner” selection when it comes time to marriage and/or long term commitments.  It’s a “good news”, “bad news” kind of a situation when you think about it.  The assumption is that all of us emerge from childhood with unmet dependency needs… some of us obviously are more deprived than others…but nobody gets through without some scars.  Good news first:  In the healthiest of marriages, (please note that “marriage” is just my shorthand for “long term commitment”), there is the opportunity for addressing the “unmet” needs of both partners.  In the best of situations, an interdependancy can be created in which the well being of each partner is promoted within the relationship.  The Bad News?..Oftentimes one or both partners in a new relationship enters the relationship with largely unstated and unconscious expectations for having their needs met.  Sooner or later, as you might expect, there is a “fall from grace”, wherein neither partner can be what the other one wants or needs.  During the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship each partner is eager to put his/her best foot forward to fulfill the needs of the other.  However, this is usually unsustainable.  Certain patterns can emerge with couples.  For example, one partner’s needs can become paramount (ie…in the extreme…the narcissist)..while the other partner is “accommodating” ( ie…in the extreme…the codependant).  In truth, neither partner is truly happy and fulfilled.  Marriages break up under the strain.

But….there is hope!  Dr. Hendrix suggests that a marriage relationship can be nourished at its roots   successfully when each partner very intentionally talks about their early caregiving experiences .  When such material is shared, there is acknowledgement from the very beginning that vulnerability and woundedness exists for all of us.  Mutual empathy can be cultivated in a marriage, except, of course in cases where one member seems incapable of empathy. The empathy then becomes the key to really putting yourself in the “shoes” of the other person, and understanding something from a perspective that is differerent than your own.  Dr Hendrix argues that a key component to the relationship being ultimately successful, is that each partner must develop the ability to listen to the other.  Of all unmet childhood needs, this is perhaps the most common….many of us have felt unheard in childhood.  There is the chance for this to be repaired in marriage.

A final benefit to the deep listening that can be nourished in a long term relationship, is the realization, when we have been fully “heard”…. that  we are all fundamentally deeply connected.  The mystics got it right, in my view….When  I can find myself in you, loving you becomes loving myself.  Surely  healthy “self love” must be the ultimate goal in a relationship that is working for us both.

Consider the possibility that all of your “so called” imperfections, including everything that

Our elegant Earth

you have ever done that causes you to feel shame or guilt is actually in perfect divine order. From this more spiritual perspective, there is actually nothing wrong with you. You are, in fact completely perfect in all of your imperfection. In a certain sense, there is actually nothing to forgive.

Colin Tipping’s practice of Radical Self Forgiveness

British metaphysical philosopher Colin Tipping  is of the opinion that there is nothing you can do that is beyond the reach of your own forgiveness. Dr. Tipping insists that his view is not a religious but rather spiritual one, and is based on the premise that we as humans cannot possibly understand the reasons that things happen …especially “bad” things. Our capacity is simply not great enough. There are often simply no answers. If we can accept the possibility that there is a bigger picture, perhaps we can also accept that our human failings and imperfections are actually a part of that picture. I am especially interested in considering Tipping’s view in light of the article I read in Psychology  Today which states that “Perfectionism” has been found to be  a great source of unhappiness in American culture. (see my previous blog) Can we really learn to forgive and accept ourselves and let some of this perfectionism go? Tipping has a plan to do just this.

The Five Point Plan For Radical Self Forgiveness

Here are the steps Dr. Tipping suggests we take to get to true self-forgiveness:

1. The first step is to name your feeling.  It is important to discern the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is about feeling badly about something you have done. Shame is a deeper feeling about the unworthiness of the self. Shame is more difficult to eradicate, as it is usually related to a long standing deeply held negative feeling about the self, that is “triggered” by circumstances.
2. What is the origin of the feeling…when did you first feel it and what seems to bring it on?
3.  Uncover the beliefs that underlie your feelings, and challenge them.  An example would be a feeling you have that you are always “A Loser”.  Is it actually true?  What is the evidence?
4. Do your best to “reframe” the story in the light of either new evidence or a greater compassion for yourself.  This process is obviously easier said than done.  It involves telling a new story in which your “evidence” may simply be acceptance that you are only human and humans are hopelessly flawed.
5. Forgive yourself. Consider the spiritual perspective that sees a bigger picture and allows everything in the world, including you, to be exactly as it is, and sees an elegant order and beauty in all of it. Look at a picture of the universe such as the one provided here and tell me that this is not perfection in the truest sense of the word

In the August 2013 edition of  “Psychology Today”, research psychologists Todd Kashden and Robert Biswas-Diener make the following bold claim: “One of Life’s sharpest paradoxes is that the key to satisfaction is doing things that feel risky, uncomfortable, and occasionally bad”.  This claim piqued my interest, especially in light of a previous blog I wrote wherein I feature a video of JFK stating, and I paraphrase, “We choose to go to the moon not because it is easy, but because it is hard.  Kashden and Biswas-Diener have devoted a considerable amount of time researching the life styles, values, and habits of people who self describe as having the happiest of lives.  “Happiness”, as defined by the researchers, means not just the ability to experience fleeting moments of joy.  Rather, they are examining the lives of people who feel peaceful, contented, and accepting of both themselves and the lives they have created.  So, what are the secret ingredients of such lives as these?  Kashden and Biswas-Diener have identified five key personality traits and behavioral characteristics that seem to be associated with people who are mostly,… just happy.  Here are the five.

#1 Curiosity, and the willingness to satisfy it

The most surprising finding coming out of the research relates to this idea that our most satisfying life experiences come out of the times when we feel most afraid, and most out of our personal “comfort zone”.  Quoting directly from the “Psychology Today” article, “It turns out that activities that lead us to feel uncertainty, discomfort, and even a dash of guilt are associated with some of the most memorable and enjoyable experiences of people’s lives.  Happy people, it seems, engage in a wide range of counterintuitive habits that seem, well downright unhappy”.  So, what would lead someone to do something that was risky, and/or uncomfortable?  The answer is simpler than you might think. Happy people are insatiably curious…and this curiosity impels the person to satisfy the “need to know”. To quote the article again, “Curiosity, it seems, is largely about exploration—often at the price of momentary happiness. Curious people generally accept the notion that while being uncomfortable and vulnerable is not an easy path, it is the most direct route to becoming stronger and wiser” As the researchers note, “Curiosity—that pulsing, eager state of not knowing-is fundamentally an anxious state”. I had never thought of curiosity as being akin to anxiety, but of course it is. Anxiety is often about “fear of the unknown”. Curiosity moves that anxiety into action.

#2..The ability to see the forest and not focus on the trees

In the article it states that “satisfied people are less likely to be overly analytical and detail-oriented…..The happiest people have a natural emotional protection against getting sucked in by the intense gravitational pull of little details”

In my view, this is a really hard one to fight.  The culture puts such emphasis on accomplishments such as grades, performance reviews, and general “conscientiousness”. Doing well often means paying attention to the details. Yet, apparently the happiest people tended to perform less well  on these measures.  Perhaps the answer lies in trying to give up on the ultimately impossible quest for perfection, and engage in more activities that are just joyful in and of themselves and not oriented toward producing a  “perfect” product.

#3 Be An Unjealous Friend

I resonate completely with this one.  Given that close friendships are closely allied with happiness, its no surprise to me that ..”the happiest people are the ones who are “present” when things go right for others—and whose own wins are regularly celebrated by their friends as well.”. What I know though, is that I’m quite capable of jealousy, particularly when I feel it could, or should, have been me that lives in “that” house, or has “that” much money…or whatever it is. What I have tried to do recently is turn my feelings of jealousy into a motivating factor.  That is, rather than “why does she have that and not me”…it can be “wow, if she has that, maybe I can too.  What would I have to do?…This feeling is much more expansive, and allows me to truly rejoice in the good fortune of my friends and relatives.  Then, when I have good fortune, I will have good friends to celebrate with.  Bottom line is…what’s the use of joy and good fortune if you have no one to share it with?

#4 Don’t Hide from Your Negative Emotions

In this article the researchers talk about the importance of recognizing and accepting that life is full of disappointments, and using the feelings that are engendered to develop self-understanding and compassion.  Here the importance of “naming and claiming” the emotion is emphasized as well as communicating your feelings to others who may or may not be involved directly in how you are feeling. In the article they talk about the skill of “flexible responding” to situations that make us feel uncomfortable, fearful, or angry.  “Flexible responding” means you don’t “go off” on the traffic cop who issues you the ticket, for example, but you may express your frustration in an appropriate way.  Flexible responding also means the ability to tolerate emotional discomfort, as you give yourself time to discover the source of it, and craft a more useful response.

#5  Above all, strive for Balance

Number five is the one that brings all of the others together, in my mind.  It seems to me it goes along with the Buddhist idea of living in the present and living each moment to the fullest, while also planning for the future and being realistic about the constraints of time and other physical realities. Maybe it also means noticing, and appreciating, the details of a situation without being so caught up that we lose “the big picture”.  This is where the real “art form” of living comes in, in my view, and no amount of scientific research can possibly capture the essence of that experience.  We just know it when we feel it…that sense of just knowing we are in the “flow”.  Hopefully these five principles will give some insight as to how tweak our lives in order to feel this flow, more of the time.

 When we experience deep emotional pain our first impulse is to get away from the feelings as quickly as possible….just make them go away.  Escape is accomplished in a variety of ways. We may, for example, distract ourselves through TV, books, or movies.  Or….when the pain is particularly acute and pervasive, we might find ourselves seeking out the help of prescription or non prescription drugs. Alcohol can also become an effective means of escape.  In truth, the culture supports all of the above  mentioned activities as ways of coping when life gets hard.  And…lets be honest, these coping mechanisms do work.  Furthermore, we sometimes do need some temporary relief from unbearable emotional states. The problem is, in my view, that the relief is often just temporary. If no time and energy is invested into discovering the source of the pain, it will keep on coming back…and back…and back.  To make matters worse, the pain can resurface with more intensity…like a splinter that has lodged itself under the skin and now has become infected. So…what can we do?  How can we face intolerable emotions such as anxiety, fear, shame, and anger without becoming overwhelmed with the emotion itself?

     In his book, entitled  “Emotional Intimacy”, the relational psychologist Robert Augustus Masters suggests that the key is to gently move “toward” our pain, rather than away from it.  We must find a way to get close enough to the pain so that we can observe it in great detail, and yet we need enough distance so we can feel that our pain is only a part of us…not the whole of us.  Dr. Masters advocates that we become “intimate” with the feeling and texture of our emotions, as a  “participant observer”.  This is different than merely talking about emotions, which keeps the experience up in our heads…to be analyzed over and over..to no avail

Becoming a “Participant observer” is a skill that we can learn from the teachings of mindfulness meditation. In this meditation practice, the meditator learns to step back from his experience and “observe” what is going on in the physical  body as emotions are experienced.  For example, during the anxiety state, my pulse is racing, my palms are sweating, and I can’t breathe.  If we can “drop down” into our bodily sensations and simply “be with” them, without judgment, we are automatically not “in” them in the same way.  We have created the necessary separation to feel them, and yet place them more into the background of our experience rather than the foreground.  With the feeling more in the background, we can turn it around in our mind and examine in from all sides.  Where does this feeling come from?  When did I first have it?   Can I bring some compassion to myself so that I can begin to heal?

Developing the “participant observer” stance to your emotions does not mean that you won’t still have challenging emotional episodes where you will feel overwhelmed.  Dr. Masters cautions against believing that we can somehow ”transcend” emotional states and wipe them out from our experience. He calls the attempt to do this the “spiritual bypass”. We are, after all, not gods, only very flawed human beings doing the best we can..and that isn’t a bad thing.

Facebook can be a great way to make new friends, stay connected with old friends, and reconnect with even older friends.  I  sometimes wonder though, if all of the incessant social networking we do can have some unintended consequences. My fear is that as we spend more and more time “connected” as it were, we will begin to lose touch with the experience of being silently and deeply connected to the one person we really need to understand..that is ourselves…Here is why I am concerned:

What If Your Best Friend Could Be Found In The Mirror?  

        There is a universal human need, I think, to be connected to other people in a deep and intimate way.  We all long to be loved, accepted, and deeply understood, by one or more true friends in whom we can confide our deepest secrets.  Old friends are particularly valuable because of the history we have with them. They have seen us at our ”best” and at our “worst”.  Through it all they continue to love us, and the memories we share provide a sense of meaning and continuity in our lives.

      Consider then the one person who has been with us from the very beginning.  It is, of course, our very personal “yours truly”.  It is us.  Because we are conscious, and able to form elaborate short and long term memories of our experiences, we can think about what is happening and consider how we feel about it. The way I see it, we actually have a relationship with ourselves, and like all relationships, it takes time and careful nurturing to make sure it’s a positive and supportive relationship. Ideally, I would say, we want to become our own “best friend”. We want to know, understand, accept, and yes, even love ourselves. From this strong foundation of self  love and self acceptance I think we can have the best chance for healthy relationships with others.

       I know some people will automatically cringe when they hear the words “self love”.  Often this term conjures up the image of the typical “narcissist”….the man or woman who is completely “full of him/herself”. It’s actually quite the opposite.  In the Greek legend, Narcissus is a man who is constantly fascinated with his own image in the river. Narcissists need to have their “greatness” constantly reflected back to them by other people, so they “use” people for this. In fact they are internally “empty”, and they can never be filled up enough.  Underneath their outward conceit and bluster, there is very little self love.  True self love, and self esteem are very different from narcissism. It has to do with acceptance of all of who we are, the admission of flaws, failure, and vulnerability.  I think it also has to do with the constant quest for self understanding. Through such understanding we can create a sense of worthiness that comes to us from the “inside out” rather than the “outside in”

    So, back to facebook again, my concern is that having a million “friends” on facebook, will create the illusion of connection while allowing the constant user to neglect the most important relationship of them all. How ironic would it be if we spend so much time “checking in” with others, that we stop checking in with ourselves.

In 1962 President John F. Kennedy declared that before the decade ended, we would land a man on the moon. Specifically, the president’s words were “We choose to land a man on the moon, not because it is easy, but because it is hard”. Although JFK would not live to see it, his dream was realized on July 20^th 1969, in the nick of time.  His words were challenging and spurred on an amazing accomplishment.  I found myself thinking about the true meaning of these words just the other day when I was at the gym of all places

The idea of something being unbelievably hard occurred to me as I attempted to complete just one “Push-up”, then one “squat”, and one “lunge” during my “Old ladies” personal training session. My stated goal is to gain upper body and “core” strength, and just to feel better and stronger.  I thought this would be quite straightforward, but was totally unprepared for how friggin hard it would be…just plain physically painful and hard….not fun at all. My trainer for this project is easily half my age, but he is teaching me that developing a strong body is much the same as developing a strong mind, a courageous spirit, or a resilient emotional life. All of these endeavors take persistent practice, and incredible determination.  The muscles get fatigued, my trainer tells me, but this is good because it encourages them to grow.

I think it is much the same with “pushing” ourselves in other areas of life.  As a long time sufferer of anxiety, I know that, among other things, anxiety is a disorder of avoidance. What I mean by this is that, in order not to feel the anxiety, us anxious people will go to great lengths to avoid those things that will, or may, make us anxious. This explains how people develop persistent fears of flying for example, or leaving the house. It is, after all, just human nature to avoid these things if we can, in favor of safer and less risky things…like staying home, watching TV, or  using  substances like alcohol.

Insidiously, overcoming many anxieties means moving toward the exact thing that makes us afraid…much like me moving toward completing that “push-up” even though every fiber of my being is protesting loudly. Does it hurt?  Absolutely!. It has been explained to me, though, that there cannot be any gain without the pain.  The trick is to push just hard enough to get that gain without pushing so hard that injury results.

I like the fact that muscles grow best when the strength training is every other day, rather than every day. It seems to me that our psyche also needs periods of rest in between periods of pushing beyond our comfort zone. The periods of rest allow for integration and assimilation of new experiences at a slow and measured pace. Like the tortoise, slow and steady wins the race.

So, the way I see it, only one important question remains.  What is the “walk on the moon” that you would like to accomplish?… My advice?  Go for it, but don’t expect it to be easy.  Choose it precisely because it is hard.

The Civil War section of the Mountain View Cemetery in Oakland

Typically on Memorial Day I engage in activities that welcome in the summer.  My family uses the extra day to ready our family cabin for summer visitors, and/or I may attend a neighborhood barbeque. This summer was different.  I stayed home, but then when the Monday holiday dawned and was cloudy and drizzly, my husband and I decided to do something we had never done before. The greyness of the day seemed to dictate that we participate in a somber activity, so we chose to attend Memorial Day services at our local cemetery.  Mountain View cemetery is quite well known in Oakland.  Designed by the designer of Central Park, Frederick Olmsted, Mountain View Cemetery is the final resting place for local luminaries such as Julia Morgan, Bernard Maybeck, Henry Kaiser…and many many more. Veterans from all of the wars are also interred at Mountain View…dating back to the Civil War.  I have always felt that this is a very sacred place, very holy.  I felt this as I sat down for the ceremonies on Memorial Day.

     What I realized, as I listened to members of various branches of the service speak in behalf of soldiers lost in battle, is that the living always owe a debt of gratitude to the dead.  Its not that I glorify war—because I certainly don’t.  I have my own political views on the “rightness” or “wrongness” of particular wars.  However, it seems to me that regardless of anyone’s political view, these soldiers put their lives on the line for what they felt to be a “greater” cause.. There is honor in that, regardless of any judgment about that cause. I was happy to honor all of the soldiers, and felt badly that I had not taken time to do this before.

At the end of the ceremony, one of the Mountain View docents, a wonderful storyteller and newspaper man named Dennis Evanosky gave us a tour of the Civil War section of the Cemetery.  Dennis regaled us with stories about how these Civil War veterans ended up being buried in Oakland.  They had all survived the Civil War and then went on to lead colorful and adventuresome lives, making their way across the country, being involved in local politics, marrying their sweethearts,….and then finally their lives were over..and they are buried here….right beneath where we were standing.

What really impressed me about this storytelling was that Dennis had fired up my imagination…and I was there!  I was imagining the lives of these people and it was real.  He was making it real and alive and teaching all of us the value and the joy of remembering the details in the lives of people long gone.

So what I’m thinking now is that I’m connected to all these people who were brought alive by Dennis.  They are all in some way my ancestors..if not directly then in some way indirectly.  After all did we not share the same air, the same land, the same world?  In short, I would not be the same person in the exact same world as I am right now…if it were not for all of them. They are all part of the same grand tapestry that I am a part of, which actually combines all of our stories into one grand story

So my intention now is to remember to remember each year, as well as throughout the year.  As I take my meditation walks through the beautiful Mountain View gardens, I will think of the stories  of the people who are buried here and feel my connection to all of them.

A Case Of Mistaken Identity

 My earlier blog entitled “Who Are You?” featured the infamous Cheshire Cat of Alice In Wonderland fame. Our feline friend asks a question of Alice that we ask ourselves many times in the course of a lifetime. “Who are we” at the core of our being?  It can be a difficult question  when we are constantly shifting and changing roles in response to changing life circumstances.  I suggested in this earlier blog that as we grow older it becomes increasingly important to spend time getting to know ourselves at a deep level.  It is vital to keep asking  who we are in the midst of the “storm” that is constantly swirling all around us, and within us. We want to have a solid sense of ourselves, I think. The only way I know to really develop a relationship with oneself is to engage in a “reflective” practice, such as meditation, prayer, or journaling.

    So, as I was following my own advice and reflecting upon who I am at this moment in time, an uncomfortable thought seemed to invade my consciousness.  It occurred to me quite suddenly that I often resist quiet contemplation because I don’t in fact really like myself a lot of the time.  I don’t always want to look too deeply for fear of what I might find there. Furthermore, I don’t think I’m alone in this.  I know that the Dali Lama has said he is perplexed at the degree of “self” hatred he sees, particularly in the American character.  As hard and judgmental as we may be in regard to others, according to his “Holiness,” it pales in comparison to how hard we are on ourselves.  So, where does this come from, and what can we do about it?

My particular answer to this question, unsurprisingly, comes from Buddhist thought.  I have recently been re reading some books written by the Zen teacher and Buddhist Monk Cheri Huber.  She runs a monastery in Murphys  California, and also a teaching center in Mountain View, California.  It is Cheri’s view that negative self image is laid down very early in our childhood as we are being socialized and “conditioned” by well meaning adults. We are taught to “be this” but “not that.”..to “suppress this” but “express” that.  We are mostly socialized with simple behaviorism, and this method, if you think about it is pretty negatively tinged.  Consider, for example, the mother, yelling across the public swimming pool at her children in order to “control” them. ”No Johnny..no no…you are swimming too far!  Be carefull  of the deep end!   It’s dangerous out there! Help your brother!  No! No! No!…don’t fight!  Does this not sound familiar?  By the time we reach adulthood, those “adult” voices are the voices in our own head, telling us who to be, how to act, who we are, who we are not.  I love what Cheri Huber says about our internalized “voices”.  Her view is that we are all in a constant state of internal dialog with these different voices.  We have the “mean voice”, the “compassionate voice”, the “critical voice”.  The dialog is unrelenting, and our “mean voice “is often louder than the rest.  It is Cheri’s view that these voices are best viewed as existing outside of our “true self”.  They are talking to us….but they are not us.  We identify the voices as us, but they are not.  She calls it a case of “mistaken identity”.  The inner work of discerning the voices and starting a new inner conversation based on compassion, empathy, and patience, is the crux of Cheri’s Self Acceptance practice.  Cheri argues that when we can turn our attention to the voices of  self love and self acceptance, we can turn down the volume on self hate.  We can let “Life be in charge” as we give up our attempt to control anything.

And that…..my friend….is the secret to ending our anxiety..once and for all

The cheshire cat

“Who are you?” intones the Cheshire cat as he looks down upon Alice in Lewis Carroll’s classic tale “Alice In Wonderland”.  Alice has fallen down the rabbit hole and had a series of adventures.  She was at first very large, and then she became very small.  Who indeed is she? She has lost herself in a strange new world.

Perhaps we are all a bit like Alice, as we fall down our own individualized “rabbit holes” and ponder who and where we are, and how we got here.  The reality is that our identities are always shifting and changing as we shed old roles and assume new ones, virtually all the time.  We grow up, grow old, get divorced, watch children leave home…and the list goes on.  It can be challenging to retain a stable sense of ourselves in the midst of all of this change as we are constantly asked to define ourselves in new ways. So…I ask again…who are you?

This is not, I think, a trivial question…but rather an existential crisis of identity that we are all engaged in all the time.  Underneath our many roles…wife, mother, daughter, student,  there has to be an essential “me-ness” that allows us to actually recognize ourselves.  Consider, for example, that many years ago my five year old daughter was very distraught after a haircut.  “Mommmy….I hate it!…she wailed”. “I don’t look like myself!”  Wow…already an identity crisis! Inevitably none of us will have a life that looks the same over time…and we certainly won’t look the same. Our life will not be the same physically, interpersonally, or geographically.  We may long for a time gone by, but we can’t re-create it

The essence of this constant crisis of identity is perhaps that, in spite of the storm that is raging all around us all the time, we must somehow retain a “felt” sense of ourselves.  We want to be able to say, “Yes, that is me”.  I know who I am at my center. The “calm” at the center of our “storm” is our solid, non negotiable “core” self.  But how do we keep that center solid?

The only way I can think of to do this is to constantly check in with ourselves, and just simply ask the question: “Who am I now?”  “What do I stand for?”  “What is important to me”  The relationship of the self to itself becomes ever more important as we age, I think.  The world around us changes at rocket speed, it seems to me, but we don’t need to.  Self recognition ensures we won’t get lost as the world becomes “curiouser and curiouser”, to quote Lewis Carroll, again.

You can do your “check in” in a number of ways, such as prayer, meditation, journaling….anything that is a “contemplative” practice…anything that forces you to slow down and relflect.. This is a cheap and easy practice, but incredibly rewarding.  Just focus on one central question:  “Who are You?”…Don’t you really wanna know?