There are many definitions of “Joy”, or what it means to lead a “Joyful life”.  It depends on weather you ask a poet, a philosopher, or just an ordinary man on the street.  This is because joy is a feeling that goes beyond words in a very real sense.  We know it when we feel it in our body but often can’t adequately capture that feeling with mere words.

Here is my best stab at using words to describe how I experience joy in my life: 

For me the feeling of joy is a feeling of deep appreciation and delight during certain “peak” moments in my life, when I feel connected to the present moment and infused with love and contentment.  The “connection” part is important because I often feel joy when I am in the presence of people I love.  I can also feel joy when I am surrounded by a physical environment that I love.  In my case, being in nature brings me joy even when I’m by myself.

It has occurred to me recently that I miss the presence of joy in my life.  Somehow it seems so easy to go down the rabbit hole of despair as I contemplate the state of the world.  There is a lot of suffering, and it feels like a challenge to find joy in the midst of this suffering. Even if I do feel moments of joy, I can sometimes feel guilty about this.  I ask myself if I have the “right” to feel joy when others are suffering.  Its as though there is only so much joy available and if I get ” too much” someone else will get “not enough”. 

The idea that the “Universe” can only supply a limited amount of joy is not how I aspire to live my life so I’m consciously now changing this worldview to the belief that joy is abundant. The challenge is to “find” this joy by mindfully noticing the present moment and all of the miracles occurring all the time around me.  The miracles of seasons changing, flowers blooming, or children laughing are around us all the time if we just pay attention.  Even thinking of these things can bring a smile.

So, why is it important to live a life full of joy?

First of all, it just feels good.  Feeling good is a good thing for us psychologically and emotionally.  It means our nervous systems are functioning at peak capacity, and our overall health is better.  Not only do we feel better in the moment, but recent brain research also suggests that people who have more joy live longer, Changes actually happen at the cellular level that promote longevity.

Also, in terms of the “suffering” in the world, we can acknowledge suffering and bring joy to others from our supply.  Joy is contagious and when we have more we can give more.  This can happen in small ways and in big ways through acts of service.  The great thing about joy is we can delight in the joy of others.  It just grows and grows.

So, find your joy!  Make this a project that feeds you and sustains you even through the toughest of times.  I would argue that living a joyful life and spreading this joy might be the best gift you can offer to the world

As a psychotherapist, I am well aware of the importance of conveying empathy for my client. “Empathy “ is the ability to “feel into” what another person is actually feeling…. rather than just “feeling sorry” for them.  Cultivating empathy for another person is actually crucial for all relationships…whether they be romantic relationships, deep abiding friendships, or parent child relationships.  Simply put, we are not going to trust another person if we don’t feel they truly understand and accept us, and empathy is a necessary ingredient for deep understanding. 

Unfortunately many of us do not extend empathy to ourselves in the same way we extend it to others. All too often we castigate ourselves mercilessly for our shortcomings and mistakes. Self-compassion is in short supply as we wonder what is “wrong” with us. How could we have done or said that thing? What must people think?

There is nothing wrong with you

This is the first important truth to take in and adopt as a core belief.  You are a human being in the process of figuring out the world…just as we all are.  You are human and you are flawed.  It’s the human condition.  So, when you find yourself overwhelmed by self-criticism and despair, it is useful to take steps to get out of this “ rabbit hole of regret” so you can move on.

First, just take a deep breath and pretend you are hearing about “your” story as though it were someone else. What would you say to this person? What words of comfort? How would you gently guide them into taking responsibility where it is warranted, without thinking they are just a “bad” person.  Now do this process for yourself.

Try to be honest and clear-eyed when it comes to your “part” in whatever may have happened. If another person is involved, you might offer an apology…. but not until you have discerned who exactly did what.

Practice radical self-care by putting yourself in situations that produce joy for you.  Find joy in simple things. Take time…sleep and meditate if you can.  Send yourself “heart” energy and send the same energy to anyone you feel you may have harmed.

As part of your own “debriefing” about what has happened, remember that you need to find some “lessons” you have learned from dealing with something difficult.  Perhaps you were “unskillful”, or insensitive. If you have a clear intention to do things differently “next time…this means you have made meaning from the event.  It was not “wasted” time

Recent studies show that the entire physical body responds to the “feeling” of empathy…weather it be empathy for yourself or for another.  The immune system works better.  You will not get sick as much and you will live longer.

Well worth it….right?

In my view we have all suffered some form of trauma over our lifetime.  Traumas present themselves in a variety of ways.  They can be big, sudden, and totally unexpected like an automobile accident or a natural disaster.  They can also look smaller and less intense to those who are looking at them from the outside.  An example of a “smaller” trauma might be a childhood with some degree of emotional neglect, or divorce. The traumatic “event” can be over relatively quickly, or it can go on and on for days, weeks, or months. 

Regardless of the nature of any specific “trauma”, studies now tell us that the body remembers and stores trauma.  It never really goes away but instead is encoded in our memory.  We are not always thinking about these memories of course, but as we all know memories can be triggered in the present time when something reminds us of a particular time, place, and circumstance from our past. .  We might catch a smell that reminds us of this time and place. Alternatively, we might see someone who is associated with a traumatic time in our life, or we might go to a place that brings back a memory.  In these instances memories may “flood” our nervous system with visual images, as well as bringing back the exact way we felt when the trauma was taking place.  The “flooding” may take us by surprise as we try to figure out why we are reacting so strongly.   An example of the “surprise” we sometimes feel is the “Anniversary reaction”, where we become suddenly sad at the yearly anniversary of the death of a loved one.  The body remembers all of the “cues” that are associated with this time of year and we feel how we felt then as though no time had passed. 

I bring this “triggering” phenomenon up because of an experience I had over the Christmas holiday.  I attended a family party with extended family members I had not seen in a long time, and found myself unexpectedly “triggered” into strong feelings of competition, envy, and fear.  The feelings felt out of proportion to the actual experience of being in the presence of these somewhat distant cousins.  I was feeling flooded and I wanted to escape.  Mostly I felt very impatient with myself.  Why was I feeling these feelings so strongly?  Why was my mind torturing me with details of memories from the past that were no longer relevant?  I dealt with all of this in therapy many years ago so why was it coming up again now.?

Fortunately, when I arrived back home, and away from the “scene” I was able to turn my despair into curiosity.  I began to investigate the nature of traumatic memory and realized that my reactions made perfect sense.

The reality is that our mind is encoding memories all the time. We need to do this in order to remain safe in the world. It’s an unconscious need and an automatic process. During times of “stress” however, such as, for me, the times from my childhood when I was being teased and bullied by my  “richer” cousins, the “memory making” process is in a sense hijacked by the “fight or flight” autonomic nervous system. Detailed memory making is not as important as safety so it goes “offline” so to speak.  As a child I would hide and cry and seek comfort.  I would do anything to remain safe.  My memories of that time were fragmented and incomplete, as traumatic memories often are. I tried to avoid the memories and associations to difficult times

Interestingly, our “memory making “mechanism is always trying to “fill in the blanks” and create a coherent story. It “tags” memories that have emotional resonance, and when associations to these memories occur in present time, new details emerge.  With time, maturity, and the desire…these details can be digested and integrated into a meaningful story. This is true healing.  In my case I’m hoping for less reactivity when I’m confronted with hurtful people who are either in my past…or who are like hurtful people in my past

So, if you find yourself in a similar situation…try to turn your fear and natural tendency to avoid the discomfort into curiosity.  Become an investigator into your own psyche.  This will allow you the detachment you need to make meaning of the story.  Also, look at your mind as a miraculous thing.  It is always trying to help you if you have time and patience to let the process happen. 

For many of us the “holidays” are not “the most wonderful time of the year”. Yes, there can be a lot of joy, happiness, and, good cheer…but along with this we may find ourselves extremely stressed and disappointed as we evaluate our experience later. Why is this?  Over the years, I have developed some theories and I also have some suggestions about what we can do to mitigate the intense negative feelings that are often generated during the holiday season.

First of all, when you think about it, the whole societal idea of a “holiday season” is a “set up” in some sense.  No matter what is going on for each of us in our own lives, we are “supposed to” pause and just “be happy” and get into the “spirit” of Christmas.  The expectation that  “all is well” with our families and our world seems to be assumed, so we may wonder why we are not having the good time everyone else seems to be having..  The reality is, of course, that we are comparing the “outside” of what we see in those around us with the “inside” of what is going on with us. Never  a good idea.  We will always come up short.

For me the holidays are an emotionally volatile time. Like many people, my hopes and expectations soar as I anticipate parties with family and friends, time away from work, and the gifts I may give and/or receive. Below the level of my awareness though, my expectations are also fueled by the Christmases of my childhood. I tried to recreate this version of Christmas for my children in order to “live it” again. In both cases, Christmas was a truly a magical time.  These days, the magic still exists but not the way it used to.  Nothing is the same.  Everything changes.  I experience this as disappointment because I “miss the way things were.

The problem I run into now is the roller coaster of high expectation and lower reward than I might hope for.  This occurs when a gift I chose did not create the reaction I was expecting.  It also happens, if I’m honest, when I see family and friends that I may only see during holidays. I want so much to feel close and connected to these people. But instead I start comparing myself to them.  This makes sense when I think about it. As I grew up, my siblings and extended family were my “tribe” in a real sense.  It was important for me to “belong” and be accepted by this tribe.  I needed to “measure up” in order to feel good about myself.  Now when I see family and friends from my childhood, the child within me still compares and finds she coming up short.  Ironically, all of this self-evaluation is happening in my own mind, and it is probably happening in the same way to many of them.  What a shame! This is such an impediment to true intimacy as we carefully guard our true selves with all of our vulnerabilities and imperfections.

Because a “negative self view” is a self-generated phenomenon, it stands to reason that a “positive self view” would be equally self-generated. The best way to achieve this positive view is through an attitude of “radical self acceptance”. What this means is fully accepting yourself with all your flaws and celebrating all that your are and all that you are becoming.  It actually means deeply understanding that we all exist in the same state of imperfection and the people we love are doing the best they can…. as are we. This knowledge is what will bring us into a state of communion with other people and allow us to come out of hiding and just be authentic. Deep understanding is also an antidote to the envy I find myself feeling when I don’t “measure up” to an old friend, a sibling, or a cousin. Without this unwanted envy, I can be happy for the triumphs and achievements of others. I am not diminished by the success of others.

Radical self-acceptance is part of “self love “and is much easier to talk about than to achieve.  For 2024, my overriding “resolution” is to work on healthy self-love by radical self-care in terms of my mental and physical health. I will start with a “gratitude practice” to acknowledge all that is right and good in my life. In addition to this I am committed to a practice of positive affirmations that are part of my guided meditation practice.

What can you do to promote “radical self acceptance?”

You will find that it’s well worth the effort to think about it.

“Hello Darkness My Old Friend.  I’ve Come To Talk With You Again”

These are the first two lines in a Simon and Garfunkel song from the mid sixties entitled “The Sound of Silence”. I resonate with this song each year as the days grow shorter and the nights longer. I find myself retreating inside during the winter months …and by this I mean not only retreating indoors but also retreating into the inner recesses of my mind.  Winter is a time of contemplation for me. I’m looking at the year behind me and thinking about the year ahead. I’m taking time off from the business of daily living as I do this. Interestingly, this time of quiet contemplation is interspersed with the time I spend with friends and family in celebration…but my quiet time is essential.

Simon and Garfunkel’s song   entitled “The Sound Of Silence” seems paradoxical on the face of it. For me though, darkness and silence go together. When my vision goes dark and is not bombarded by all the sights I encounter on a daily basis, I begin to see possibilities within my own mind.  My imagination is allowed free reign to go wild.  Similarly, when there is no sound, I hear the sound of my own voice as it percolates up from my sub-conscious.  What is my deeper self-trying to tell me?  I need to listen more deeply and this is easier when the noises around me quiet down. 

Winter is an essential part of Life’s journey I believe.  Everything around us is happening at lightening speed, so we need times of quietude and darkness to digest it all and figure out who we are evolving to be. For me this means looking back over the past year as well as decades before that. I notice that I find myself immersed in looking over pictures of fiends and family in earlier times.  In these moments I’m reliving experiences with these folks…knowing that I will be seeing many of them again. 

As I attend “family and friends” events this year, I will be remembering who these people are…not just now but also over the lifetime of my relationship with all of them.  I hope I can express appreciation for their continued presence in my life.  

Its winter…. go slow…go inward. And listen to the “Sound of Silence”

Many of us look back on our childhood and recall painful memories of feeling “left out” in terms of belonging to a friend group.  For me this happened in a major way when my family lived in England for a year.  I was nine years old and the feeling of not “fitting in” was intense. I did not speak English the same way as everyone else, and did not understand the local customs of dressing and behaving correctly in general.  Even to this day, I remember distinctly the feeling of just wanting to “disappear” into the surroundings. I did not want to “stand out” like a sore thumb. I wanted to be just like everyone else, or else not “be” at all. It got a little better when I mastered the British accent because then I could “pass” for brief periods of time…but in the end I was always going to be different and this did not feel good.

Thinking back on this experience from an adult perspective, I wish someone had noticed my unhappy plight and tried to help me feel confident and even proud of who I was. At the very least, I might have benefited from someone noticing that I was “hiding” in plain sight. If I’m honest though, it would have been a big “ask” in a situation where I was rapidly building walls around myself so as not to be “seen”. I never spoke up.  I never raised my hand in class. In truth, what started happening to me internally was that I disappeared from myself in a way that I now think of as dissociation.  I began to live in a fantasy world inside my head which was fed literally by the fairy tales I read incessantly in order to escape the real world.  I also started gaining a lot of weight unconsciously. When I had a doctor checkup I was stunned by how much I weighed.  I simply was disconnected from my own body and had no awareness beyond knowing that food tasted good and provided temporary comfort.

 This story is meant to be illustrative of what can happen to any of us, even as adults, when we don’t feel a part of our social surroundings.  I think we begin to “lose” ourselves in a very profound way when we isolate from others…. whether this be by choice or by circumstance.  During the pandemic, the isolation caused lots of emotional distress for kids.  Many are still recovering.

As for me, I have learned to find my way back to myself when I begin to feel “dissociated” by following these steps:

First I reconnect with my physical body through a guided “body scan” meditation wherein I am led to focus on one body part at a time and “feel into” its current condition. (i.e.: does it ache, hurt, feel good?)

Next I take a deep dive into how I feel about my life in general.  Am I happy with my life…my relationships…my self-care…and my commitments to myself for personal growth? If I’m not “measuring up” to my own expectations I make plans to change.

The two exercises mentioned above are enough to bring me back into contact with myself.  I feel solid and real again. I belong to myself now no matter where I am or whom I am with. From this place I am not afraid to reach out to others.  I know I will not lose myself.

Simply put…I am home…regardless of where I actually am.

We are all familiar with the fairy tale “Goldilocks and the Three Bears”. Essentially, the “lesson” it imparts has to do with the concept of “just right”. In the fairytale, Goldilocks enters an empty house where three bears live, and she discovers a chair, a bowl of porridge, and a bed that are “just right” for her after first trying chairs, porridges, and beds that are not quite “right”. 

I would argue that life is often about experimenting around with many choices and opportunities, until we find the situation that is “just right” for us.  This can be true with the place we decide to live, or the job we decide to take, but it is especially true about the person we decide to spend our life with.  Its such an important decision, but many of us “kiss a lot of frogs” until we find the right person for us.

So, the question becomes one of discernment.  We can be assisted in our search by signing up with a dating app and putting in our “Profile” as we consider the profiles of  “potential matches”.  We can try “dating” our “matches”, and see how this works. However, I think our final decision, (assuming someone is interested in us) comes from paying attention to some very clear “signposts” that come from deep within us. Let me explain.

Going back to the “Goldilocks” analogy, I think that many of us get seduced by thinking our “just right” person is the one that immediately sets our hearts racing and makes us feel like we just can’t live without this person.  The term ”lovesick” comes to mind, and conjures up the mythology of “love at first sight”. Staying with Goldilocks for a moment, this person is like the porridge that is just too hot. Its all about how   exciting it “feels” to us.  Over the long term, though, we realize that the excitement and “heat” of this intense connection we feel is not sustainable. Psychologically speaking, intense and immediate romantic connections are often about a deep feeling we have that this person holds the key to healing relationship wounds from the past. This is usually a false belief, but hard to dislodge. Regardless of who does the “breaking up”, the heartbreak is very real and the grief can last awhile.

Staying again with the Goldilocks story, discernment can also be difficult when we find ourselves considering a partner who “checks all the boxes” of what we want in a partner but we are just not “feeling it”. We may wonder intellectually what is “missing” in this relationship but our experience of it is that the “porridge is just “lukewarm” and kind of boring.  There is no “click” of connection…no feeling that this person just “gets” me and I “get” them. No harm, no foul, its just not there.

Now, how about the “just right” person?  I think we know when we have “found” our person when we have the experience of feeling that we are with someone who shows “warm curiosity” about who we are.  They are turning “towards” us in a genuine and caring way and we feel seen, valued, and respected for exactly who we are.  Of course, in order for this to work we need to give back to them the feeling of being seen, valued, and respected in equal measure.  The quality of “mutuality” in the relationship is essential for it to sustain.

So, what about physical attraction, you may ask? 

My answer is that the physical attraction will often occur more slowly… more like smoldering coals that eventually ignite… as your intimacy grows emotionally.  This kind of sexual intimacy is not desperate and immediate…but it is ultimately much more satisfying.

The final message? 

Take your time…be patient…and you may find that your “best friend” becomes you ultimate romantic partner. Whoever they are…they may not be the “just right” for your friends or your family. 

But it doesn’t matter.  They are “just right” for you.

There are times in our lives when everything seems to proceed ahead seamlessly.  I think of those times as a state of “flow”, and I cherish the periods of time when they occur.  Other times, lets face it; nothing seems to go our way. We get “stuck” in an unfortunate series of events, or just in a space where nothing goes right, in spite of our best efforts.

I know when I am in this “stuck” place I can very easily go down a rabbit hole of   “overthink”. In those moments I feel like there must be some way I can “think” my way through this mess. In reality though, (as I’ve discovered through experience), the “think” method does not work. Instead of finding a “solution” I oftentimes find myself in a Gordian knot of confusion.  I am “wound up”, frustrated, and anxious.

Here is something else you can try:

When I find myself in the stuck and anxious place I described above, the first thing I do is just STOP.  Literally, I tell myself to STOP. Then I forgive myself because I realize that it is natural to want to “speed up” the mind in order to get this problem solved.  After all, it makes sense that the quicker the solution occurs to me, the quicker I can implement it…right?   Actually no, it does not work this way.

Try slowing your mind down instead of speeding it up

Here is the thing.  If we think of our minds as incredibly busy places with a million different thoughts, feelings, impressions, and memories flooding it at all times…we can imagine how difficult it is just to make the daily decisions we are confronted with.  Our minds are like busy intersections right? Thoughts are always competing with each other, so when we crowd our mind up with this new “problem” to solve, the traffic gets jammed up.  Our mind needs rest and focus.

The benefit of a consistent meditation practice

What I have discovered, over years of implementing a somewhat consistent meditation practice, is that it is most efficient to stop my “overthinking” mind when I notice it, and set aside 20 minutes to meditate.  During this time, I completely relax my body by following the directions of a guided meditation, or listening to relaxing music, and simply “ask” for guidance.  This is not necessarily a plea for divine intervention but rather asking for guidance from my own “higher power”.

Then I finish my meditation and I wait patiently. I find when I do this that the answer will often “float up” from my subconscious. It will seem miraculous but in fact…it’s just my brain operating at maximum efficiency.

The key is to be patient.  

Paul McCartney references this kind of patience beautifully in his song, “Let It Be”

“When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me”

“There will be an answer.  Let it be…. Let it be.

Most of us would agree that it is important to follow through with the commitments we make to others.   This is what Michelle Obama meant, I believe, when she famously stated, “My word is my bond”.  When your word is your bond, then it means people can trust you. Trust is fundamental to keeping the relationships that mean so much to us. 

As I age, however, I begin to think more and more about the commitments I have made to myself over the years. How many times have I vowed to take better care of myself  and my relationships?  How many times have I vowed to keep my finances in order?  My commitments to myself may be large or they may be small, but either way, I have let myself down on far too many occasions. When I let myself down, I feel guilt and I feel regret. Over the years the regret begins to build up…so I’ve decided to do something about it.

The Deathbed Exercise

At the risk of sounding morbid, it has to be acknowledged by all of us that we will not live forever. As you age, of course, your “sell by” date looms closer and closer, although let’s be real…none of us knows how much time we have.  So what does this mean? In my mind it has become more and more important to really look at all the things I said I wanted to do (bucket list).  Also, I’ve been thinking about relationships that need nurturing…or maybe even repair. I’ve imagined my future self…the self that is maybe even on the way to “shedding this mortal coil” and I’ve imagined what my greatest regrets might be.

Deathbed regrets are almost always about relationships

When the question is asked of people who are dying, “what is your greatest regret?”

The answer is almost always a regret involving an important relationship. Typically you would hear something like, “I wish I had a better relationship with my child, or my friend” Very rarely would you hear something like “I wish I had worked more or made more money.

When I picture myself at the end of life, I am sure that I will regret most the unsaid words to people I love.  I will regret not forgiving or asking for forgiveness from those I have wounded or have wounded me.  At that point, I may not have the time to say the right words or do the right things

I do have the time now

The point is, I do have the time now, so that’s going to be part of the work of my “third” act. I can do something about future regrets, even if I can’t wipe out all of my regrets from the past. 

So, I would urge you too. No matter what your age or how big or small the rift is between you and someone else, do your best to repair it now. Sometimes you can’t and I understand that too…. but at least consider addressing the issue.  I assure you you will not regret engaging in this process.

I have noticed in myself that I sometimes “forget” what I want or what I need.  I get so caught up in putting my energy into knowing the needs, preferences, and concerns of my immediate family and friends, that I can’t recall what I really “long” for in the deepest part of my being.  “What do you want?” I ask myself over and over and the answer does not immediately come.  This applies to my preferences about a vacation as well as what to order in a restaurant, or even which restaurant to go to.  It also applies to deeper questions like, how do you want your retirement to go?  How do you see the “third act” of your life?

Recently I tried an experiment to address these existential questions about what I want. I had the opportunity to “get away” from my usual day-to-day life and go on a “retreat” all by myself.  I was fortunate to have a place to go that is deeply meaningful to me.  My family has had a cabin in the Sierra foothills for several generations now.  I co- own the cabin with various family members and we sign up to go there. 

This “solo” retreat was four days of “radical self fulfillment”.  First off, I went to my favorite grocery store and bought everything that I like…including items I remember from childhood. This is different from when I shop for my family. I often forgo my own preferences for the preferences of others.  Not this time. I also brought my favorite books, music, and classic movies to watch on the ancient DVD player.  The only rule I gave myself was “do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it”. 

Each day began with a guided “body scan” meditation, which is a way to check in on how your body is doing.  What does it need?  How does it feel?  From there I followed the cues coming from my own mind and body about eating, sleeping, reading, and swimming.

I remembered  “secret” things about myself that I had forgotten, and I journaled my thoughts to remind myself later when I become “busy” again. After four days on my retreat I felt “reborn”. I will definitely be doing this again