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Finding Love….How To Reclaim Your Hidden Self

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Finding Love…. Reclaiming and Celebrating the Hidden Self

Wholeness

Wholeness

I’ve recently begun a series of blogs devoted to solving the “riddle” of “Finding Love” in our lives. First I talked about “The Importance of Feeling Seen”. Next I touched upon “Daring to be vulnerable”. Now I want to talk more specifically about the part of us that often is not seen by others…the “hidden” self that feels tender and vulnerable and remains unseen unless we allow it to emerge from the shadows of our personality. In fact, the famous psychologist Carl Jung referred to our hidden self as the “shadow”. In simple terms, your “shadow” is any part of yourself that you don’t want to be seen by others…and in fact you may not even allow yourself to see it because you have denied it for so long or buried it so deep. Examples of “shadow” parts of us might be our extreme shame, or our desperate longing to be loved…orperhaps our bitter jealousy of a sister, brother, or friend.

Virtually anything can be in our shadow if its something we don’t want to “own” or admit to. It could even be a hidden talent that we are afraid to develop lest we won’t be perfect at it. Whatever the shadow is doesn’t matter. What matters is uncovering it…first to yourself…and then to another with whom you wish to achieve authentic intimacy. Uncovering and exposing your shadow is important work on the path to wholeness and, I believe essential for finding lasting love.

How Do You Know What’s In Your Shadow?

I think most of us are pretty conscious of certain parts of ourselves that we keep hidden much of the time. Who amongst us has not been jealous or envious for example? Recently I have found that it’s quite liberating to admit to my trusted women friends that I have felt jealous of them from time to time. I was amazed when I did this. When my jealously was hidden and suppressed I found it difficult to be happy for the good fortune of my friends. When I admitted envy, I could rejoice with them. I could join with my friend and we could be happy together. My jealously came out of the shadows and became an admitted part of who I am.

Now…. Look At Your Projections and Discover The Connection Between Judgment And Projection

In order to find deeper parts of our shadow selves that we really don’t want to admit to or just can’t see, we have to notice the places where we sit in extreme judgment of other people. What happens is that when we really don’t want to admit to a trait within ourselves we react strongly to that trait in another person. This very human tendency is called “Projection” and it’s a really good way to keep our shadow selves at bay. For me, a really good example was when a good friend of mine got a new car that I’d been coveting for a while, but I could not afford right now. All of a sudden I was talking negatively to others about the extreme foolishness of her buying this car. My extreme reaction was Projection. I could not just be happy for her until I admitted my jealousy and took back the projection. My projection, in this case gave me a clue about that same old hidden part of myself called envy

Know That You Are Enough

Brene Brown is a well-known “Shame” researcher who has studied the emotion of shame extensively. One of her findings is that people who are driven by the need to be “perfect” are often keeping huge parts of themselves hidden from themselves and others. What they are keeping hidden is obviously anything that does not fit the image that they are trying to project of being “perfect”. These hidden “non perfect” aspects are part of the shadow of a perfectionist. What a burden! Perfectionism becomes a problem of course, simply because it is unobtainable. Brene Brown stresses the importance of Knowing that you are enough which means, I believe owning all of the parts of yourself…the perfect and the imperfect. In her book, Daring To Be Vulnerable Dr. Brown also talks about how often all of us avoid looking at the imperfect parts of ourselves by staying ultra busy, or numbing ourselves with the many distractions that are available in our modern world. Drugs and alcohol also serve this purpose.

So…. Celebrate All Of Who You Are

So…now that you know how to find your “hidden self”, rejoice in it, reveal it, and celebrate your well-earned place in the human race. People will find you much more approachable as you emerge from the shadows, as long as you surround yourself with a trusted cadre of like-minded folks. One of my favorite songwriters is Leonard Cohen. He has a great line in one of his songs about how true enlightenment comes when a crack appears in anything that we as humans call “perfect” This is how the line goes: “There is a crack, a crack, in everything…that’s how the light gets in. That’s how the light gets in”

 

 

 

Finding Love…Daring To Be Vulnerable

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complete solar eclipse

complete solar eclipse

After finishing my last blog entitled “The Importance Of Feeling Seen”, I realized something really important. It is easy and perhaps obvious to recognize that “feeling really seen” by others brings us a great deal of joy and satisfaction…. but rarely do we actually allow ourselves this experience. Even in close friendships and romantic relationships we struggle with this issue. In so many situations we hide important aspects of ourselves, as we assume, usually without a shred of evidence, that parts of us are unacceptable to others. Clearly we can only have the experience of being seen if we really put ourselves out there to be seen. What a shame our “hiding “ is, when you think about it, especially if we consider that everyone else is doing exactly the same thing. We relate to each to each other all the time while revealing only a small fraction of who we are. Our true selves are actually “eclipsed” in a way by our own inner “sensor”. Why is this? What can we do about it?

Vulnerability

The simple answer as to why most of us “hide” so much of the time has to do with the concept of vulnerability. According to the Merrion Webster dictionary, vulnerability means: 1. “Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded” 2. Open to attack or damage.”

This definition is apt in terms of emotional vulnerability, I think. Who amongst us has not been emotionally wounded by people we have allowed ourselves to trust? We are naturally afraid, and so we protect ourselves against “re wounding” by keeping our tender and vulnerable parts well hidden from others…and even hidden from ourselves sometimes. We actually construct a kind of emotional “armor” around these vulnerable places in our attempt to stay “safe”. Unfortunately this “armor” can also keep us isolated and unavailable to others

The Problem With Emotional Armor

Emotional armor is actually really important to human psychological makeup. It is the truth, after all, that not everyone can be trusted to have our best interests at heart. When we first meet someone, especially, we probably want to stay somewhat guarded. The problem occurs when our tendency to be ever “vigilant” to possible danger becomes “over determined” so that we are closed up and emotionally unavailable all of the time. What can be done in this instance?

Taking A Risk

The only way to break through our own resistance to “opening up”, the way I see it, is to just take the risk…”just do it”… even if only in a small way. This can be a “test” of your unconscious, or maybe conscious, hypothesis that “letting people” take a peek inside is a dangerous thing. See what happens when you do it. You may be quite surprised. You may assume you are going to be hurt by others, only to find that quite the opposite occurs.

Admission Of Vulnerability Is a Sign Of Personal Strength, Not Weakness

My hypothesis is that admitting vulnerability is actually a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. I think there is a cultural “myth out there that tells us not to admit to
vulnerability lest we be considered “weak”. Who are we kidding? The human condition is one of constant vulnerability in all realms of our lives. Living in denial of this reality only makes us susceptible to it, I think, because we are shocked beyond belief when the inevitable disasters of our lives actually occur. This doesn’t mean I think we should live in a constant state of fear of all potential dangers…far from it. I think it’s more about acceptance that things will happen over which we have no control so why not just give up the struggle? We just have to live with this reality, without letting it paralyze us. I think admitting vulnerability in personal relationships is exactly the same as admitting it in all parts of our lives. Yes, we are human. Yes, we have been hurt and we have hurt others. It has happened before and will probably happen again. And yet, we still long to be connected. We still need it. We need to take the risk.

Admission Of Vulnerability As a Prerequisite To Intimacy

The trick of becoming truly intimate with another person lies, I believe in the “give and take” of sharing your personal stories. As one person begins to reveal the vulnerabilities inherent in his/her stories the other feels the permission and the safety to do exactly the same thing. Next thing you know, you are both fully engaged in sharing the real experience of being human and finding the mutual empathy of that shared human experience. In my previous blog I refer to this experience as feeling “mirrored”. There is nothing like it…and no other way to have the shared empathy you need for true intimacy. If this is not the right person for the sharing…don’t worry…you will figure it out soon enough. Just pay attention. Open your heart to the “heart click” that is the sign of true intimacy. You will know it when you feel it.

It feels a little like…dare I say it?  falling in love.

 

 

 

 

Finding Love….The Importance Of Feeling “Seen”

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Baby In Mirror

Baby In Mirror

 

I have not posted in awhile, but have not lost sight of my intention to explore the mystery of how to find love in our lives. I’m offering a way that we can each create an individualized roadmap in order to embark on this life altering journey. I will be breaking down the journey in a series of blogs. This one is about looking carefully at where we are right now in terms of feeling we are “fully seen” by important people in our lives…including ourselves. I believe this is the first step toward the ultimate goal of wholeheartedly giving and receiving love.

       My long hiatus from writing blogs has come about because of two recent experiences in my life. In the “living” of these experiences I have learned something that I only knew intellectually before. My “embodied” learning is the following: I don’t believe that any of us humans can fully give and receive love unless we have had the experience of being fully seen, heard, and understood by meaningful people in our lives. . My first experience was attending the “Burning Man” festival in the Black Rock desert of Nevada. The second experience was attending a 2-day couples therapy workshop where I learned something of the principles and practice of Imago couples therapy.

Burning Man

The Burning Man experience is difficult to explain in a few sentences, but for the purposes of this blog, the feature I want to concentrate on is a Burning Man main principle. It is the principle of “Radical Inclusion”…. which basically means you are encouraged to show up at the event in whatever way best expresses your true and most authentic self. Of course, in such an environment people are going to dress, or not dress, in very extreme ways…but this is exactly the point. What I found at Burning Man was that I got to “play” with as many versions of myself as I wanted…and everything was accepted and celebrated. This might sound like a really fun costume party…but actually it was a whole lot more. Much more important was the “heady” feeling I got that people really saw and appreciated me. I felt like I was about 3 years old on the jungle gym…saying, “Look at me!!!” At the same time, of course, I was looking at everyone else and appreciating the way they were presenting themselves. The best way to sum up the experience is that a true feeling of love and acceptance permeated through my body and soul at Burning Man. It was a feeling of love for everything and everybody, and I promise you that no drugs were involved. Wonder why “Burners” go back to Burning Man year after year? This is a big part of why. We don’t get this experience in life on a daily basis. More’s the pity. I think we really need it.

Imago Couples Therapy

It was excellent timing for me to attend the Imago Couples therapy workshop right after Burning Man. In this training I learned the importance of “mirroring” for the quality of  couples communication …that is the importance of being able to feed back to a person that you have really heard and understood them. This is not unlike the experience of mother and baby. When a young baby is held in his/her caregiver’s arms, the caregiver ideally “mirrors” back to the infant that this infant is seen, heard, and loved. The “mirroring” is done through the “baby talk” of the adult who is responding minute to minute to the baby’s vocalizations…maybe even imitating them. This is the basis of attachment. This is the basis of love. More fundamentally, the “mirroring” experience in early infancy is what gives the baby the experience of actually existing. (kind of a I am mirrored, therefore I am)  When an infant experiences the facial expressions and “attunement” of a caregiver, this infant feels love. And the love feeds back to the caregiver who loves back in equal measure

The Couple Is Just Like Mother/Father and baby

Attachment in a couple is actually exactly like mother/father and baby attachment. Through the repetitive “mirroring” exercises of imago therapy, each member of the couple practices hearing and repeating back exactly what they heard from the other half of the couple. The result is pretty amazing, as each member of the couple understands, maybe for the very first time, what it is like to stand in the shoes of his partner without judgment and assumption. Love can begin to flow freely again  from a place of truly understanding who that person before you actually is.

What These Experiences Can Teach About The Importance Of Feeling Seen

After the experience of Burning Man and now having tried leading couples through mirroring exercises, I’m convinced that we must each find ways to bring the people and experiences into our life who allow us to  feel fully seen, understood, and appreciated. These days I’m not willing to spend much time with people when this is not the case…Life is too short and I know for a fact that love can only emerge, thrive, and grow when enough of your environment “mirrors” back to you your full, flawed, and ultimately imperfect self.

 

 

 

Want A Clear Path To An Awakened Life?..

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A root cause of “relationship distress” is the “re-opening of a primary childhood wound.” This wound is related to the doubt we have all carried around, since childhood, about our inherent “lovability”.  Although it is true, of course, that each of us has a different experience of being loved and cared for in childhood…. none of us ever gets that “perfect” love we long for.  When someone hurts us again in a  way we have been hurt before, we feel that hurt all over again.  Each of us has very specific “triggers” that function as entry points to our own particular version of the  “wound.”  Clinical psychologist Dr. John Welford believes that the search for a “love” partner in life is all about finding a way to heal our original childhood wound.  We are testing the strength of our “lovability” in the courtship process, as well as testing how well we can love our chosen partner. It is therefore a process of simultaneously giving and receiving as we risk “putting ourselves out there”

Dr. Welford also believes that, because our sense of being a complete and lovable self  is so dependent on how others perceive us, we have mixed feelings  about attaching ourselves to another too deeply. In our own minds there is always the possibility that we will be forced to change who we really are in order to be what we think our partners want us to be.  The fear of “giving up” our power in this way can lead to carrying around resentment about dependency in close relationships. Our task is how to navigate this delicate tightrope of needing something so badly at the same time resenting and/or fearing this need.  In addition to this, we may also be perpetually afraid that we won’t be able to hold onto what we have, once we have it. Is this not the very definition of vulnerability?  What kind of skills do we need to help us with this crucial navigation task? To put it in another way…what state of consciousness do we need to adopt in order to walk the “tightrope” with ease and grace?

First…Remember That The Love You Seek Is Already Yours 

At first glance, the concept of already having what you seek may seem counterintuitive. However, if you think of the concept of Love differently and see it as an absolute principle that operates in the world rather than a relative commodity that is traded back and forth and can be lost and found…. You will know that love is always there. You just have to see it and claim it. I knew a songwriter/philosopher once who wrote lyrics about absolute love that sum up what I mean beautifully.  Tad’s words were as follows: “In the colors of the morning sky, in the face of just one passerby, a gift, a song, a way to be…. Love is waiting patiently.  The message of this song, for me, is about the Omniscience of love.  As Tad so poignantly states in his song, Love is everywhere!..It is waiting patiently for you to claim it for yourself. He also talks about the importance of “letting the love in” to your wounded heart.  This speaks to the importance of cultivating an “open” heart and allowing love to heal what ails you.

Next…Consider The Possibility That Relationship Is The Path To Healing Your Original Childhood Wound 

If you are starting from the place of knowing that you already have love in your life, then all of your important relationships are about sharing that love with another, and reminding each other of its existence. This would apply, I think, weather we are talking about your “life partner”, your child, or your best friend. Awareness of Love’s Omniscience is a consciousness shift, I think. That said, it is of course important to be cautious and protective of yourself in the beginning of a relationship. The love between you and this person needs to be solid and trustworthy, before you open yourself up too completely.  Inevitably, though, because you are transparently revealing yourself to another, you will experience hurt. Something may be said that reminds you of an earlier experience in your child hood, your “guard” is down, and that old childhood cluster of wounds is “triggered”.  At this point, according to Dr. Welford, you have a choice.  Do you “act out” against the person who has inadvertently “pushed a button”?  Do you become angry and defensive and try to hurt that person back?  Or, do you choose to understand this “trigger point” as an important key to understanding yourself. If you chose the later option, you have given yourself and your partner a precious gift.  Together you can investigate what “just happened”, and draw from that deep pool of absolute love to understand both yourself and your partner at a whole new level.  The trick is to keep blame and criticism out of the conversation, which is of course the difficult part in a culture, which is so often so judgmental. Intimacy is, in my view, the antithesis of judgment and blame. It is about opening up your own narrow view of the world to incorporate the world view of another. This is why I see creating “heart centered” intimacy as a clear path to an awakened life.   Without the judgment and blame of either yourself or others, You  awaken to to who you and your” beloved” really are.

By Leslie Kays MFT

 

Co-Creating A Lasting Relationship…..Five Essential Keys

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In The Shelter Of Each Other

In The Shelter Of Each Other

Gay and Katie Hendrix have been married for over thirty years.  Throughout their marriage and their professional careers as couple psychotherapists, they have sought the answer to an important question in modern American life.  That question is: “Why don’t relationships seem to last these days?” It’s a good question, I think.  The divorce rate in the United States is creeping towards 60%, which is a staggering statistic…especially when you consider that it doesn’t even include what we think of as “common law” marriages.  What is going on here?

After many years of research, and, they will tell you, painstaking experimentation with their own marriage, the Hendrix’s have come up with some important keys to creating a “lasting” and “fulfilling” relationship.

1:  In All Communications With Your Partner, Strive Toward Complete Honesty, Transparency, and Authenticity

The Hendrix’s speak of this idea that intimacy is created when both partners in the couple learn to tell the “microscopic” truth to each other.  By this they mean, I think, that each partner learn to actually describe to the other what is going on for them from the “inside out”…. including thoughts, feelings, and even bodily sensations.  For example, if you are describing for your partner an experience that caused you to be extremely fearful or anxious, you might say: “My heart was beating fast and my palms were sweaty.”  You might think that such a visceral “blow by blow” account would be “off putting”, and you would be seen as weak and vulnerable.  In fact quite the opposite is the case. When hearing about the emotional pain of a loved one… the “mirror” neurons of empathy are activated  in the central nervous system of the other person.  This is a true “bonding” experience.

As a corollary to the “microscopic” truth, the Hendrix’s also talk about the importance of having a “no secrets” policy in a committed relationship.  In this instance, they are talking about secrets large and small.  A small secret might be, “I overdrew the checking account”.  A big secret would be: “Oh, I forgot to mention, I’ve got a child from a previous relationship.”

An important distinction needs to be made, I think, between what is a “secret” and what is “private”.  A “secret” is information you are deliberately withholding because you know that the disclosure of it will create some kind of “waves” in your relationship.  You want to avoid that, but the constant “avoidance” of the truth will always come back on you tenfold in the long run and lead to erosion of trust. Privacy has more to do with the careful guarding of your own inner life in a protective way. You may or may not reveal information to select and trusted others in the fullness of time.

2. Each Partner Has The Responsibility To Shake Up The Relationship On A Regular Basis

We are creatures of habit, and although overall this creates a feeling of security and predictability, its important to note that we also crave novelty and variety.  “Shaking it up” can be as simple as trying a new restaurant, sleeping on the other side of the bed, or vacationing in a new spot.  How far to move your partner out of his/her comfort zone is an important skill, however.  You don’t want to have the unrealistic expectation that your partner will do something so far out of their comfort zone that they are truly uncomfortable. (And then blame them for it!)

3. Practice Giving Your Partner 10 to 12 compliments a day, and include with this practice plenty of “touching” “hugging” and “eye contact”

Does this sound “New age” and trite?  Ok…but be aware that verbalizations and gestures of love and affection sprinkled throughout the day are actually found to be extremely highly correlated with successful long term “pair bonding” in much of the animal kingdom, including humans.  This is sound neuroscience which is founded on brain imaging that shows areas of the brain to “light up” when the “pleasure centers” are stimulated. The “pleasure centers” are stimulated through words and gestures of love.  Furthermore, “love memory” exists wherein we can see the pleasure centers light up even in the anticipation of being reunited with a loved one. This can be seen in our closest evolutionary relatives, the great apes, but is perfected to a very sophisticated degree in humans. In addition to this, the hormone oxytocin is released with physical contact, or even the anticipation of physical contact. It’s quite amazing really.The important thing to remember though, is that stores of oxytocin must be constantly replenished, or the well can run dry.

 4. Strive To Eliminate Blame And Criticism From Your Relationship

This is perhaps the hardest “key” of all.  Do we not all become irritated and upset with our partners? Also, if there is honesty and transparency in a relationship, surely some of this “honesty” is going to be of the negative variety?  Here is what the Hendrix’s think about this: It is the their contention that it is a given that much of what we see and don’t like in the “other”, particularly our most significant other, is actually a reflection or an indication  of  something we cannot allow in ourselves. 

In psychological terms this is known as “Projection”, and it is thought to run pretty rampantly, albeit unconsciously, in couples.

The trick is to tease out what the projection actually is…that is.. what is really bugging you underneath the surface issue?

In other words, what  is triggering you?  The example given in the case of the Hendrix marriage was that Gay Hendrix would always get really angry if his wife Katie came home later than promised.  In his own “self” examination he was able to remember his mother leaving him at home after school.  Katie was therefore “triggering” abandonment issues in her husband  and causing him to feel unsafe and vulnerable every time she was late. In Gays case, “vulnerability” was not a very acceptable “manly” way to feel, so he converted this unacceptable feeling to anger and projected it onto Katie. It wasn’t actually about Katie at all.

In my view, totally eliminating blame and criticism from any close relationship is a tall order.  However, it makes sense to examine your own feelings every time you are intensely triggered by your partner…. every time you see red, or feel that your world is falling apart.  When confronting your partner about the feelings that have arisen in you, you can offer the microscopic disclosure that I mentioned earlier on. Just naming the feeling and having the attitude of curiosity and discovery about where that feeling might come from will go a long way toward dissipating the intensity of the feeling. Ideally, “blame” will fall away, and your partner will be happy to do whatever he/she can to heal the “wound” that has been uncovered.

5. As A Capstone to all the other Keys, Commitment and Intention to Co-Create the best possible Relationship for Both Of You Is Essential

It almost goes without saying, but bears repeating, that none of the other relationship skills are worth anything without the commitment to make it all work.  Equally shared responsibility and somehow having the unspoken agreement that you will not, either of you, lightly let this relationship go…feel like the true “Art of Relationship”. Its almost impossible to define…but clear to you both when you have landed in this consciously loving and sacred place. You won’t ever want to leave.

By Leslie Kays MFT

 

 

 

The Modern “Dance Of Intimacy” Oxytocin vs Testosterone

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The Modern "Dance" Of Intimacy

The Modern “Dance” Of Intimacy

Twenty-two years ago the book “Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus” hit the “Relationship Help” section of many bookstores. In this book author John Grey created controversy with his bold assertion that, in fact men and women were very different.  The differences showed up, according to Dr. Grey, in very fundamental ways…. such as how communication happens, how needs are met, and how a feeling of “safety, security and stress reduction is achieved.  In a recent interview, Dr. Grey elaborated on the differences between men and women in terms of stress reduction. He now claims female/male differences are due to the fact that men predominately reduce stress and feel secure by having optimal levels of the hormone “testosterone” available in their nervous system. In contrast to this, women achieve feelings of safety, security, and low stress when they have plenty of the hormone “oxytocin” on board. So, how does this work, and how does he know it is so?  It makes sense, actually, when you think about it from an anthropological/sociological perspective 

Testosterone and Oxytocin and how they function adaptively as hormones 

Testosterone is a hormone produced in men and women, but it is generally produced in larger quantities in men.  Testosterone is responsible for sex drive and aggression. It has been found to “flood” the endocrine system, particularly in men, when these men are involved in competitive and/or very “driven” and “goal oriented” activities.  Too much testosterone can be a bad thing, obviously, and can lead to violent and “out of control” behavior. Testosterone is associated with anger and destruction.  On the “plus” side, it has been postulated that evolutionarily speaking, optimal levels of testosterone in men are correlated with success on the “hunt” in “Hunter/ Gatherer” societies.  In earlier days, successful hunting was essential for survival of the species. It could be argued that the men who were doing the hunting felt good, satisfied, and content, after a successful hunt, thus creating the desire to hunt again.

Oxytocin, in contrast to testosterone, is known as the “love” hormone or the bonding hormone. Women produce it in their bodies in order to facilitate bonding with newborn babies,. It is also released in other skin-to-skin contact situations. One can imagine, again in Hunter Gatherer societies, that the women spent a lot of time together in tribes where they found safety in numbers and hung out with other females to take care of the young. There is no doubt that oxytocin release feels good.  We are, after all, social animals.

The Oxytocin/Testosterone Dance 

It must be said, of course, that both men and women produce oxytocin and testosterone, and also that people vary widely as to how much of these hormones they produce.  There are individual differences.  John Grey simply suggests that men on the whole tend to “lead” with testosterone, while women are more prone to “lead” with oxytocin. It’s important to note though “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” was first published in 1992.  In the book, Dr. Grey outlines the “dance” between men and women as a paradigm where the woman is at home with young children, soaking up the “oxytocin” with her children, but also becoming exhausted with childcare, and wanting to “bond” with her husband when he gets home. She needs the same feeling with him she was able to get with her children…but probably needs a more “adult” version than she can get from young children.  When her husband gets home, she pursues him, in Greys Scenario, and begs him to cuddle and bond with her and the children.  She wants to enfold her husband with the family oxytocin…and talk through feelings, ECT…. in order to feel more “connected” and secure

 

“Hubby,” on the other hand, according to Dr. Grey, has just had a full, and probably competitive day at work.  He may be feeling low levels of testosterone because he has not been successful in his projects or maybe he has been criticized or “put down”.  He may feel insecure and incompetent.  It is at this point, suggests Dr. Grey, that “Hubby” may need to temporarily “retreat”…to what has been jokingly called his “man cave”…to replenish his testosterone.  He might, for example need to work on projects or hobbies. The argument is, that he needs to have this replenishment time, before he can be available to soak up the oxytocin and bond with wife and family.

 The problem is, of course that this testosterone/oxytocin dance belongs to 1992…or even before that. (I would argue)

What About The Intimacy Oxytocin/Testosterone Dance In 2014? 

Ok…. so I think we can all agree that the world of work and family life is much different now. Family Life/work/ balance is a matter of how to more evenly share work and family responsibilities between both partners, even in “same sex” couples.  Generally, everyone wants things to feel “fair”. If not, anger and resentment can quickly build.  The reality is that the majority of adults in households with or without children actually do work in our modern society. (Statistics would bear this out) The “dance” therefore needs to be reworked with a new set of assumptions, new steps, and more careful communication than ever before. It seems to me that the essential question that needs to be asked of each “partner” in the modern “Intimacy dance” is:  “What is your particular “internal” balance in terms of how much Oxytocin you need to feel bonded, and secure with an intimate partner? When do you need this “skin to skin” and “eye to eye contact? “  What are your most vulnerable times of the day, for example?

Second Question:  “What are your testosterone needs? Do you, (regardless of your sexual identity or orientation) need to work on projects at or away from home that make you feel competent and successful before you can cuddle?  Here’s another example:  “Do you need your partner to admire your ability to “fix” things around the house, (or anywhere else for that matter) so that you can feel that satisfying surge of testosterone?

  Self-knowledge/Communication Is The Key 

I like to think of creating and building sustained intimate relationships as an on going co-creative process between any two people who actually have a desire for such a relationship.  I don’t think it matters in the least if we are talking about heterosexual or “same sex” couples. The responsibility is equally shared, I think, and entails the ability to know and communicate who you are and what you need…even as you understand deeply the different perspective and needs of your partner.  You will not be exactly the same as your “partner”, nor will you or your “partner “remain exactly the same over time.  Furthermore, your particular “partnership” mix of oxytocin/testosterone will not be the same as the one you see in any other partnership. We are all beautifully unique that way.

 So….Enjoy The Dance!!! 

What is left to say except…. do not be afraid to explore and participate in the dance! Be alert to the subtle changes in yourself and your partner that mean you need to change the steps, learn new steps, or change the “leader/follower” paradigm.   The ability to make the necessary changes is what will keep your relationship alive and vital.  It’s the Art of The Dance…. and the key to lasting joy and satisfaction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Longing For Intimacy In Relationship?….Start With Affirming Your Personal “Sovereignty”

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February...the month of sacred love

February…the month of sacred love

On The Nature Of Love 

At a “satsung” in Oakland the other day I was struck by the words of the well-known spiritual teacher, Adyashanti. He was addressing the central importance of “love” as the primary commerce in human connection, and he was remarking that people often lack “sovereignty” over their own hearts and minds.  Because of this, Adyashanti argued, many people find it difficult to know how to love, how to receive love, or even what love really is.

I listened more closely as Adyashanti described personal “sovereignty as having “an autonomous and empowered sense of yourself.”  This “felt” sense of self involves knowing and trusting yourself to the extent that your core beliefs, values, and passions are unshakeable and non negotiable.  In psychological terms we might call this “ego strength”, but I like the term “sovereignty” much better.  I like the idea that your entire being is like a sovereign nation and you are the true “ruler” of that nation.  Adyashanti pointed out that our greatest spiritual leaders such as Jesus, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King, possessed the ultimate in personal “sovereignty”.  All three of these leaders were of course revolutionary in their own time and their ideas were simply too threatening for those times. As is often the case, the bearers of revolutionary thought are sacrificed, even as their ideas live on.  We can live by the example of these three great “thought leaders” though, and understand that what they collectively represented and brought to the world was Love…. Pure, simple, and unconditional. I would argue that love poured out from these men and came from the core of their unshakable beliefs about mankind.

So….How does this Idea of Sovereignty” play out in The Formation Of Our Individual Identity? 

Here is how I think about it:  It seems to me that all of us in our modern culture are bombarded incessantly by messages about how to look, what to wear, how to think, what to feel.  These messages seep down into our unconscious where they comingle with messages from our childhood to create a mixed bag of   input about who we really are at the core.  It’s like computer software in a way…Programs are being run that we are not even aware of because they operate at a subliminal level. (Hence the effectiveness of advertising slogans)

What is most distressing to me is that the bottom line “message” is usually the following:  “You are not good enough at any level of your being”…simply not good enough. You must have more, do more, and be more.  Out of all this, we must cobble together some sort of an identity that is affirming, stable and consistent…no easy feat. It’s difficult to find your personal sovereignty in this climate.

The Riddle Of Forming Close Relationships When Identity Is Shaky 

In a way that has always struck me as paradoxical, we are all simultaneously both individuals and social animals.  As much as we hold tight to our shaky personal identities, we also long for personal connection.  To put it simply…we long to love and be loved.  The paradox causes conflict…. all the time. Consider the questions that we often ask ourselves when in relationship: “Will I have to give up some of me in order to be with you?”   When does “compromise” become “capitulation?”   Ideally one would neither dominate nor allow oneself to be dominated…but this ideal is hard to reach in the best of circumstances. I see it as a  the “riddle” of stable human connection  and I would argue that the riddle must be solved, or at least addressed in order to feel, express, and know true love with another person.  I think you have to know yourself…including your beliefs and passions and your boundaries, weaknesses, strengths, and vulnerabilities. and then you can truly see and appreciate those same things in another.  From this place, it seems to me that mutual unconditional love is really possible.

How To Know Yourself 

I have been thinking lately of “Practices” that facilitate the embodiment of the principle “know thyself”.  Here is what I have come up with:

  1. Take a course in “mindfulness meditation”…. or really any kind of meditation…. and practice on a regular basis sitting in silence and watching your thoughts go by.  When you have mastered the technique you will notice that your mind will produce thought after thought after thought…but you will realize that your don’t have to believe any of them.  You will begin to notice patterns of recurring thoughts about yourself or the world…. and you can begin to question these thoughts.  Start just gently being curious and questioning about everything.  As the Buddha has famously said:  “Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it, or because it is spoken, written, or rumored by many…But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”…. I would just add to this that meditation sharpens your powers of observation of all things in the world…from the use of your five senses to the use of your intuition…Spend quality time with yourself just observing without doing anything else.
  2. Any chance you get to walk quietly in nature is another opportunity to sharpen your powers of observation.  You can make this a “walking” meditation, as you note sounds, smells, and visual and tactile features.  When you are developing observational skills you will find that your mind is sharper and clearer about all things. You will experience directly a thought and a feeling about what you believe in, what you value, and what is true “beauty” to you.
  3. Develop a questioning nature to everything anyone ever presents to you as “truth.”  Start always with the question…even if it is in your own mind…. Is this true?  Do I believe it to be true?  What if it’s not true?
  4. Dare to respectfully disagree with others, while avoiding the trap of insistence that you are right. The idea is to practice “speaking your truth”…nothing more. Make room for multiple opinions knowing that other people’s opinions don’t have to threaten yours.
  5. There is a practice called “morning pages” in which, for six weeks you write down everything that is on your mind every morning…first thing.  These are all the concerns that have been rolling around your unconscious all night…. This is fresh non-defended “data”.  Don’t read what you have written for six weeks.  When you look at what you have written after the six weeks it will be obvious to you what your central concerns are.  You can start then knowing yourself at a deeper level and you can begin an inquiry with yourself about those concerns, what you feel about them, what you can do about them.

So there you have it!  Good luck in your quest for self-knowledge and your pursuit of intimate relationship.  It is well worth the effort!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Importance Of “Story”…Don’t Like Yours?…..Rewrite It!

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William Shakespeare..perhaps the greatest storyteller of all time

William Shakespeare..perhaps the greatest storyteller of all time

I had an enlightening conversation with a friend of mine the other day about her divorce.  It seemed that she had come to a place of deeper and more expanded understanding about the meaning of this traumatic event in the overall “story” of her life…and I was interested to hear it.  As I thought about our conversation more I realized that major life traumas coming at us seemingly “out of left field”, are profoundly disruptive precisely because they force us to question our whole “story” about the way things “ought to be”. The “marriage” story, for example is told to us as a “happily ever after” story, in spite of the fact that this particular “story” turns out often to be more of a cultural myth.  We have internalized the ”fairy tale” ending to the marriage story so thoroughly, however, that our lives and identity are built around having faith in it.  When faith is shattered it can feel like the whole world is falling apart and will never be set right again. In this sense I think divorce can be actually an existential crisis…a crisis of “meaning” in a very real sense.  The divorce crisis was shattering to my friend and it was equally shattering for her two teenage children.  Thinking back on it now I can remember specifically that my friend’s daughter had the following to say immediately upon learning that her parents were separating:  “Oh no no no…this doesn’t happen in our family….not in our family!!” (Translation: It may happen in other families, but not ours…this is not our story)

So…what Is the Deeper and More Expanded Understanding Of Which I Speak? 

If you look at your life as one long story with many different chapters, then the difficult times you go through become not the “whole” of your life, but rather just discreet chapters that have a beginning and an end.  With the passage of time the traumatic chapters become a part of the overall narrative of who and where you are now…. rather than a definition of where you are still stuck.  I know my friend is no longer “stuck” in the trauma of her divorce because I hear her say that she can look back upon the chapters of her life involving her ex husband with a certain fondness. She can appreciate how those chapters informed the identity of who she is now.…as well as appreciate the “gift” of her children…who after all would not be who they are without the father they had.  In my mind…my friend has resilience in the best sense of the word.  It doesn’t mean she will ever be “best friends” with her ex…but I think it does mean that her kids are relieved of the burden of worrying that she will never really recover.  She doesn’t need their protection.

All The World Is Your Stage…You Can Write Your Script As You So Choose 

I like to think of my life as a “Play”, with myself as the central character.  People come in and out of my life in many ways.  Some stay for a long time.  Others are in and out quickly.  Some people have just a short “cameo” but they still have a profound influence on me.  Sometimes I kick my characters out, and other times they leave very quickly and painfully.  None of these details really matter at the end of the day if I can interpret everyone as somehow essential to the overall arc of my narrative.  That part is up to me…it’s my interpretation and my “play” after all.  I get to choose, and my friend gets to choose too.  I like to think that we are both choosing in the direction of growth and positivity.  Interestingly, of course, all the people we have come into contact with in our lifetime also have their own narratives.  I always think that we would be surprised to know the profound impact we have had on others in the construction of their life narrative.  We probably underestimate it…which I why I try to tell people whenever I can how important they are to me.

The Gift Of Our Long Term Relationships 

If you have friends and family that have known and loved you since childhood you know how precious these relationships are. People who have been in your life for a long time have a way of knowing you at your very core so these are the people who can remind you of your essential self when you are in the midst of a personal crisis. Actually, just being in their presence reminds you.  Equally importantly, I think, your long term “fans” can “challenge” you to be your best self and you will not experience the challenge as a threat. You will be able to see the truth in what they say.  Such people are central characters in your play, I think.  Hold them close to you like gold and know that you are also a central character in their life narrative. Friends, old and new are the best antidotes to all that ails you emotionally…(this actually is a scientifically proven fact, by the way)  So..pay attention to the old song….”make new friends but keep the old….one is silver and the other gold. (hokey..but true nonetheless!)

In closing…I can only say…happy script writing!   Write yourself a vital and interesting story in which you are the hero…even if you are the only one who knows it.

By Leslie Kays MFT

The Giant “Trojan Horse” Cranes at The Port Of Oakland…A Symbol Of Global Interdependency?

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Shipping Crane At The Port Of Oakland

Shipping Crane At The Port Of Oakland

Last weekend I had the great privilege of going on a Bay cruise that began in Alameda, circled through the Port Of Oakland, went under the Bay Bridge, and ended up back in Alameda. For me, by far the best part of this adventure was getting “up close and personal” to the giant shipping cranes that carefully place containerized cargo onto huge cargo ships.  On the return trip, these same cranes unload ships coming from faraway places like Hong Kong and put the containers onto trucks.  Many of the containers then end up on trains that deliver goods all over the country.  I guess it’s the fascinated kid in me that can’t get over man’s ability to achieve such great things with such ingenuity and efficiency.  I always want to know “the way things work” and I learn best by just watching.  In the case of the shipping industry though, there is something else I’m interested in.  It just strikes me, as I watch the cranes loading their cargo onto the ships, that the world has become very small indeed…. and we have increasingly become very intertwined and interdependent with one another.  For example, I was curious to see a huge pile of what looked like scrap metal out at the port. When I asked about this I learned that the United States ships this metal to China where it is melted together to make new metal “things”.  I suppose for some reason it’s cheaper to do this in China.  So…. we do this constant “trade” with other countries and all of our economies have become one big “global” economy.  We really do need each other. We are all “One” in some sense.

The politics of “Trade”

 I realize of course that a case can be made for who the “power” players are in the business of world trade.  I’m not an expert in this area, so I won’t even go there.  It just seems to me that there is a universal “truth” that transcends current political realities.  The truth is that we all just share this one earth and we have great examples of how to cooperate and collaborate with one another in such a way that everyone can benefit.  I like to think of the shipping industry as being an example of that human ability.  I like to imagine Chinese dock workers…the equivalent of our longshoremen and teamsters…. unloading goods and transporting stuff where it needs to go.  I imagine it works much the same there as here.

Am I Naive?

Ok…Ok…. I’m totally aware of oversimplifying the flow of energy and goods all over the world.  I’m guilty of this belief that there is some kind of magnanimous force for good at work that is moving us all closer to each other…albeit not always smoothly and “fairly”.  For me, the evidence is all around that this is so… maybe I’m just choosing to see what I choose to see because it gives me a sense of peace and faith to so choose.

We all have our worldview.  And this is part of mine.

 

 

 

What Is The “Balance Of Power” In Your Most Intimate Relationship?

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Balance Of Power

Balance Of Power

According to relationship expert Hara Marano of “Psychology Today”, equally shared power is the passport to lasting relationship satisfaction and true intimacy

In the February 2014 edition of “Psychology Today”, relationship expert Hara Marano tackles the provocative issue of power and how power dynamics play out in our most important and intimate relationships. As Dr. Marano points out “Power is not limited to leaders or organizations: it doesn’t require outright acts of domination.  It’s a basic force in every social interaction.  Power defines the way we relate to each other.  It dictates weather you get listened to.  It determines weather your needs take priority or get any attention at all”

Dr. Marano’s definition of social power dynamics really spoke to me.  I thought about my own feelings of “powerlessness” in certain relationships over my lifetime.  I thought about the times I have felt discounted, not listened to, or simply “bulldozed” by the needs and priorities of others.  Sometimes the feeling is really subtle…so subtle in fact that it doesn’t hit me for days. Often in the more subtle cases I am mostly aware of a feeling of resentment toward the other party, and it takes me awhile to work out where the feeling comes from.  My initial feeling can best be described as one of defeat.

So…What About Romantic Relationships And Power?

Dr. Marano’s central point in this article is that true intimacy is impossible when either party feels dominated or controlled in some way by the other.  The fine art of relationship is, after all, the ability to be fully you while also being fully present to the other. In any given interaction…the person who is wielding more power at the moment is not really listening…not being fully “attuned” and “present” to the other… Viewed from another perspective, the party who feels controlled or dominated is not really “speaking up” and  “expressing him/herself fully…so this person is also not being fully present.  To be fully present and available to another while also speaking up for yourself is a tricky balancing act when you think about it.  Each partner has to risk the vulnerability of presenting his/her true self-warts and all…knowing that exposing the “whole package” may invite rejection. If you don’t expose yourself though, you are ultimately giving up too much “self”.  You are denying ownership of all that you are.  Bottom Line… You have to take the risk.

The Paradox Of Risking Relationship Loss

Paradoxically, points out Dr. Hara,  “You have to know you can survive without a relationship if need be, to really be empowered within it”.  You have to “go for broke”, in a sense, and let the chips fall where they may. Harriet Lerner, another well known relationship expert, puts it this way:  “The only way for intimacy to grow is when both people have the capacity to both listen and speak up…and when both people have the courage to bring more and more of their true selves to the relationship each day.

Power Struggles

In the stereotypical abused spouse situation, the Abuser is thought to be the more powerful member of the couple…. the one who dominates, often physically and emotionally…and forces his partner to submit. In reality the power struggles I have seen in most couples are much more subtle than this. Often, each partner feels dominated and controlled by the other at different times and in different ways. The power can in fact “seesaw” back and forth…with one partner using for example, the threat of cutting the other off financially…while the other partner uses more subtle “passive aggressive” or other emotional “power grab” manipulations.  These are often “no win” competitive situations that entrench into well-worn and destructive patterns.

There is a new paradigm, where shared Power Is the Only Power

Amongst many modern couples therapists, a new paradigm for power has emerged. Fueled by the reality that women are increasingly more empowered in the workplace, (and now make their own money), women are also more empowered generally in intimate relationships.  In the shared power paradigm, power is seen as “the capacity of an individual to influence the emotional state of the other, as well as the necessity that each partner is just as committed to advancing the goals of his partner as he/she is to advancing his/her own goals.  This means “goals” in all senses of the word…career goals…. life goals…emotional/relational goals.  The paradigm is one of collaboration, rather than force, and it presupposes that each partner takes equal responsibility for the “relationship” as a whole.  No longer can relationship maintenance be the purview of women.  The distinction between influence and force is an important one. In the shared power paradigm, no bullying is allowed, and anyone can be called out on emotional manipulation at any time.  Each partner has to feel a sense of “fairness”…and this doesn’t really mean just equal distribution of family tasks…it’s a much more subtle and “felt” sense of fairness I’m talking about. Hara Manara  states that “interlocking influence processes are at the heart of balance of power.”  When another has influenced someone positively, this is a good thing.  You are not the same person as you were when you met your beloved…they have changed you…and you have changed them.  This is what I see as intimacy.  You see me.  You love me.  You have allowed me in to your most vulnerable places and I have allowed you into mine.  We are both forever changed by this experience.

By Leslie Kays MFT