Three Stages of Long Term Relationship

Relationship experts tell us that long-term relationships typically move through three distinct stages. First, we fall “In Love” and feel a kind of euphoria… We are “complete and content” when in the presence of our beloved. When the “neuro chemistry” of early love subsides, however, relationships enter the “power struggle” stage. In this stage, the real “work” of long-term relationship begins. The “reward” of doing “the work” in the power struggle stage is to enter into the third stage. Which is “mature love”.

In mature love, the relationship may not be as exciting all the time…but, in a larger sense, it is possible to fall in love all over again.

Problems In The “Power Struggle”

We have a big problem in the United States with our high rate of divorce. Current statistics put the percentage up to 60%, keeping in mind that this statistic takes into account people who have been married multiple times. So what goes wrong in all these marriages? One way to view it is that one or the other member of a couple simply don’t want to do the work involved in solving the “power struggle”. The work can be difficult, as it involves each member of the couple finding a way to maintain a separate identity while still being part of a couple. In our culture of “quick fixes” and assumptions that we should always be “happy”, it can be easier to just “exit” the relationship.

Our most common Relationship Exits

Individuals who are part of a “couple” have two ways to exit the relationship, when the going gets tough. First, they can just decide to live parallel lives in the same household. There can be an unspoken agreement that family life is like a “business”. In such an agreement, the tasks of child rearing and household maintenance are achieved in an arrangement of “lovelessness” between the couple. Love can be, and often is, abundant for the children, while resentment seethes beneath the surface in the relationship. Divorce sometimes happens when the kids leave home

Affairs….the More Dramatic Destructive Relationship Exit

Infidelity expert Esther Perel points out that affairs have been a part of the relationship landscape since the beginning of marriage. The betrayal can be insurmountable, of course, particularly when the “cheater” wants to leave the “cheatee” immediately in order to experience the hormonal “passion bath” of new relationship. Dr. Perel has worked with many women and men who are trying to rebuild a life after being on the recipient end of a “cheater”. She believes we underestimate the trauma involved in “love betrayal”  Its literally one of the worst things that can happen to you, and can shake you to the very core of your being. Unfortunately, this type of betrayal has become so commonplace as to be minimized these days. We often hear, “Why can’t he/she just get “over it” and move on.?

Can There Be Hope…. After An Affair?

Contrary to popular belief, marriages can be rebuilt after an affair and even made stronger. Dr. Perel believes that its important to “reframe” the deeper meaning of the betrayal and begin to see it as an “expression of longing and loss”, …making the statement that an emotional connection has been broken in the relationship. The loss is felt by both the “cheater” and the “cheatee”…but for some reason it is acted upon by the “cheater”….maybe simply because of opportunity. Interestingly, affairs often happen in marriages after other, seemingly unrelated losses. Like job loss, early death of a child, or beloved grandparent. The affair can be an easy way to feel alive again.

Repair of Relationship After The Affair

Dr. Perel has a “formula” that she uses for relationship repair with her couples, which first and foremost involves the “affair perpetrator” taking full responsibility for the enormous harm he/she has done to his/her partner. This first step also involves compete severing of ties with the other party involved with the affair. Guilt and remorse must be repeatedly expressed…really for as long as it takes. Forgiveness can’t be forced, and may take a long time, but will  come in its own time.

The “affair perpetrator” will need to reassure and express remorse for as long as it takes, but Dr. Perel believes that its also important that the one “cheated upon” give up the obsessive need to dwell upon the details of the affair. This need, although very common, can only bring torture to both parties, and actually gives more power to a “third” party than is helpful.

Investigative Questions

It is more helpful, in trying to repair a relationship after an affair to ask “investigative questions”. What was happening to “us” when the affair began? How were we both feeling? What was the disconnect? Interestingly, exploring these kinds of questions can reveal as much about the discontent of the “Cheated upon” as it does about the “Cheater”. Actually, probably no one was happy. That’s the truth, and now we both get to talk about it

How Long Does It Take?

There is no easy answer to this question. It depends on the extent of the betrayal and it “takes as long as it takes” to repair .The issue may come up again and again over the course of a relationship, and will always be a “fault line”. To be reworked again and again.

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How did my soulmate become my cellmate?

Has Your Relationship Turned Toxic?

Long-term relationships are a lot of work. Even in the best of circumstances, with full commitment from both parties, relationships demand our focused attention.

Toxic Relationships Can Be Tenacious

Unfortunately, sometimes the relationships we pour our heart and soul into are not ultimately healthy for us. At the beginning of such relationships we may have felt that we found “the love of my life”..or “the person who completes me”.   Then as the first bloom of “love” wears off…everything changes. Now we find ourselves locked into a power struggle with this person. We don’t understand how this happened. Worse yet…we can’t seem to exit from a situation that has now become unbearable. We feel trapped. What has happened?

The Narcissistic/Co-dependent Relationship Dynamic.

Which Key ingredient Is Missing?

What may have happened, is that you have found yourself in a Narcissistic/co-dependent relationship dynamic. To understand this better, think of an ideal relationship as one where there is an easy flow of “give and take” between your partner and yourself. You feel “seen” and appreciated by your beloved, and in turn it is easy to give back and appreciate in kind. When I think of this kind of love connection, a quote from Romeo and Juliet comes to mind:

“The more I give to you the more I have, for both are infinite”

What I love about this quote is that it illustrates the connection between giving and receiving…that to “give” to you actually gives to me at thesame time as I am giving to you. You, in turn are receiving from me, and giving back to me…at the same time. In a sense, giving and receiving is the same thing. Both can be “infinite”, as Romeo states, and the relationship can continue to flourish.

I bring up the ideal relationship flow, mostly to show contrast to what happens in a Narcissistic/codependent relationship. In such relationships, no such “flow” exists, and the relationship ceases to be satisfying for either partner. To state it simply, the narcissist does most of the taking, and the codependent does most of the giving. But…what gets them together in the first place?

Narcissists and Co-dependents Are Magnetically, but Fatally Attracted

Ironically, according to the research of Ross Rosenberg (The Human Magnet Syndrome), Narcissists and co-dependents are alike in that they come from childhoods where basic emotional needs for being seen and appreciated for ones true, authentic, “imperfect” self were not met. The “codependent” learns that basic survival means taking care of his/her parent’s emotional needs instead of being taken care of by that parent. For the co-dependent, personal needs are sacrificed to take care of the needs of the other. (in this case, the parent)  For the narcissist, survival depends on pretending that he/she doesn’t “need” emotional support from his/her parent. The “stance” of the narcissist is “I’m so “special” that I’m entitled to be treated to all of the finer things in life. “Something is wrong with my parents that they have not been able to appreciate this, and they have never really fully seen the true magnificence of me, but that’s their problem.” This stance covers up a deep inner insecurity, which is confusing since the Narcissist appears to be so “full of him/herself”. I also think its true that a narcissist can be the result of parents who acknowledge their children for academic achievements, but who push and push for ever more, and don’t provide emotional support in times of “imperfection”. For these parents, second best is not good enough. In reality, the Narcissist can never get enough praise and affirmation from other people to fill up that empty core. Of necessity, the narcissist is completely self focused and cannot really even see the needs of others.  In a sense, it is too painful.

So…flash forward into adulthood. The narcissist and the co-dependent fit together like hand and glove. A co-dependent is drawn to someone that needs taking care of, and the narcissist needs taking care of.

The feeling of “falling in love” can be absolutely euphoric for both parties, because it can literally be a feeling of “coming home”. In a sense it offers a solution to that unfinished problem leftover from childhood….a powerful aphrodisiac indeed! Problem is, the euphoria never lasts.

Your Soul mate Becomes Your Cellmate

We know now from the careful research of neurobiologists that the “chemical” bath of early love does not last. Eventually, if you are in the more “co-dependent” role, you will tire of always putting your own needs on the back burner. You may even try to convince your partner that he/she wants what you want, as a ‘back door” way of getting your needs met, but this never works. Your narcissist partner will start to resent this attempt to control him/her. It starts to feel like a power struggle, and the “exit” strategy could become an “affair”, usually, but not always started by the narcissist. All you know is that you are very unhappy and completely exhausted.

If you are in the role of the narcissist, you don’t have the capacity to even see that your partner has needs and preferences that are different from yours. You may sense his/her unhappiness, but you have absolutely no clue as to the origin of it. What happened to the easy love we used to share? That would be your question.

Interestingly, what seems similar about co-dependents and narcissists is that neither one actually wants to be alone. This is more terrifying even than the power struggle, which is why the relationship hangs on and on, even in its utter misery. It is a symbiotic, parasitic kind of misery. It becomes a relationship born out of need, and not love.

Is there a solution to this miserable power struggle?

 If you find yourself locked into this kind of a power struggle, and it seems to happen over and over again in your relationships you have some personal work to do. The work is probably best done before you entangle yourself in another relationship. The original “wound, known as a “narcissistic” wound, happened in your childhood, so you have to go back to that time to disentangle yourself from it. Somehow, very early on, you missed out on learning about the easy give and take, and the giving and receiving, of reciprocal relationship, so you have to reclaim your capacity to do this.

I’m a therapist, and I’m optimistic, so I think it can be done. I think as human beings we are “hard wired” for relationship, and I think there is enough “neuroplasticity” in our system to allow for repair to that which has been broken.

In the end…it just has to be important enough to you.

The Crucible as a vessel of healing

Definition Of “Crucible”

The word “crucible” has several different, but related meanings. As pictured here, and as defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary, a “crucible” is a “vessel in which metals or other substances are heated to a very high temperature, or melted”. The same dictionary also defines a “crucible” as a “difficult test or challenge, and a place or a situation that forces people to change or make difficult decisions”.

Long Term Commitment is a “Crucible” according to all Definitions of this word

How amazing is it that one single word can so eloquently sum up the incredible challenges and infinite rewards of committing fully and wholeheartedly to another person. I’m speaking of romantic love that begins in that “white hot” passionate state of “falling in love” and then slowly mellows and burns a little more slowly with time. But I’m also referring to long term friendships and other kinship bonds. In either case, isn’t it true that our relationships put us through incredible challenges as we experience every possible emotion known to man in order to stay connected to people? Sometimes we may feel it’s not even worth the effort to maintain connections…but somehow we always go back for more. Love is, after all, the “crucible” that holds the secret to healing all that ails us. Perhaps at some level, we know this. Perhaps we can sense that all of our psychological wounds can only be healed through relationship. It’s the only way. We long for this healing, so we need relationship.

Daphne Rose Kingman’s Book “A Garland Of Love: Daily Reflections On The Magic And Meaning Of Love

In Ms. Kingman’s book, she describes the magical properties of love in the following way:

“Love is the crucible. Through love we are invited to resolve our histories. Love is the crucible, the unmeltable changeless container in which we are tested by fire, melted down, and transformed. In love we are formed and reformed by the white heat of the unexpected revisitation of all the things in us that cry out to be healed; our shame and fear, our hurts and insecurities, our conflicts and our endless inner controversies.”

“ Through our beloved we are once again brought face-to-face with what is unresolved in us. We meet again our father’s absence or our brother’s envy, our mother’s cruelty or our sisters’ competition. We see our own childhoods mirrored in every direction. Through love we are invited to reenter them again, but differently, to re-experience and grieve the losses of the past, and thus to redeem them”

Don’t Be Afraid To Enter Into Your Own Crucible

I can’t possibly improve upon the ideas elucidated by Daphne Rose Kingman, so I won’t even try. I can only urge you to hold onto your most important relationships and know that they will be tested in the fiery heat of the “love” crucible. If you need help to navigate your own particular “crucible” of relationship…such help is available. “Imago” couples therapy can help you with struggles with your significant other. Alternatively, personal therapy with a therapist who believes in the healing power of “relationship” within the therapy itself can also heal you.

Ok…I admit my bias on this. Read my blogs to find out more

complete solar eclipse

After finishing my last blog entitled “The Importance Of Feeling Seen”, I realized something really important. It is easy and perhaps obvious to recognize that “feeling really seen” by others brings us a great deal of joy and satisfaction…. but rarely do we actually allow ourselves this experience. Even in close friendships and romantic relationships we struggle with this issue. In so many situations we hide important aspects of ourselves, as we assume, usually without a shred of evidence, that parts of us are unacceptable to others. Clearly we can only have the experience of being seen if we really put ourselves out there to be seen. What a shame our “hiding “ is, when you think about it, especially if we consider that everyone else is doing exactly the same thing. We relate to each to each other all the time while revealing only a small fraction of who we are. Our true selves are actually “eclipsed” in a way by our own inner “sensor”. Why is this? What can we do about it?

Vulnerability

The simple answer as to why most of us “hide” so much of the time has to do with the concept of vulnerability. According to the Merrion Webster dictionary, vulnerability means: 1. “Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded” 2. Open to attack or damage.”

This definition is apt in terms of emotional vulnerability, I think. Who amongst us has not been emotionally wounded by people we have allowed ourselves to trust? We are naturally afraid, and so we protect ourselves against “re wounding” by keeping our tender and vulnerable parts well hidden from others…and even hidden from ourselves sometimes. We actually construct a kind of emotional “armor” around these vulnerable places in our attempt to stay “safe”. Unfortunately this “armor” can also keep us isolated and unavailable to others

The Problem With Emotional Armor

Emotional armor is actually really important to human psychological makeup. It is the truth, after all, that not everyone can be trusted to have our best interests at heart. When we first meet someone, especially, we probably want to stay somewhat guarded. The problem occurs when our tendency to be ever “vigilant” to possible danger becomes “over determined” so that we are closed up and emotionally unavailable all of the time. What can be done in this instance?

Taking A Risk

The only way to break through our own resistance to “opening up”, the way I see it, is to just take the risk…”just do it”… even if only in a small way. This can be a “test” of your unconscious, or maybe conscious, hypothesis that “letting people” take a peek inside is a dangerous thing. See what happens when you do it. You may be quite surprised. You may assume you are going to be hurt by others, only to find that quite the opposite occurs.

Admission Of Vulnerability Is a Sign Of Personal Strength, Not Weakness

My hypothesis is that admitting vulnerability is actually a sign of strength and not a sign of weakness. I think there is a cultural “myth out there that tells us not to admit to
vulnerability lest we be considered “weak”. Who are we kidding? The human condition is one of constant vulnerability in all realms of our lives. Living in denial of this reality only makes us susceptible to it, I think, because we are shocked beyond belief when the inevitable disasters of our lives actually occur. This doesn’t mean I think we should live in a constant state of fear of all potential dangers…far from it. I think it’s more about acceptance that things will happen over which we have no control so why not just give up the struggle? We just have to live with this reality, without letting it paralyze us. I think admitting vulnerability in personal relationships is exactly the same as admitting it in all parts of our lives. Yes, we are human. Yes, we have been hurt and we have hurt others. It has happened before and will probably happen again. And yet, we still long to be connected. We still need it. We need to take the risk.

Admission Of Vulnerability As a Prerequisite To Intimacy

The trick of becoming truly intimate with another person lies, I believe in the “give and take” of sharing your personal stories. As one person begins to reveal the vulnerabilities inherent in his/her stories the other feels the permission and the safety to do exactly the same thing. Next thing you know, you are both fully engaged in sharing the real experience of being human and finding the mutual empathy of that shared human experience. In my previous blog I refer to this experience as feeling “mirrored”. There is nothing like it…and no other way to have the shared empathy you need for true intimacy. If this is not the right person for the sharing…don’t worry…you will figure it out soon enough. Just pay attention. Open your heart to the “heart click” that is the sign of true intimacy. You will know it when you feel it.

It feels a little like…dare I say it?  falling in love.

The Modern “Dance” Of Intimacy

Twenty-two years ago the book “Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus” hit the “Relationship Help” section of many bookstores. In this book author John Grey created controversy with his bold assertion that, in fact men and women were very different.  The differences showed up, according to Dr. Grey, in very fundamental ways…. such as how communication happens, how needs are met, and how a feeling of “safety, security and stress reduction is achieved.  In a recent interview, Dr. Grey elaborated on the differences between men and women in terms of stress reduction. He now claims female/male differences are due to the fact that men predominately reduce stress and feel secure by having optimal levels of the hormone “testosterone” available in their nervous system. In contrast to this, women achieve feelings of safety, security, and low stress when they have plenty of the hormone “oxytocin” on board. So, how does this work, and how does he know it is so?  It makes sense, actually, when you think about it from an anthropological/sociological perspective 

Testosterone and Oxytocin and how they function adaptively as hormones 

Testosterone is a hormone produced in men and women, but it is generally produced in larger quantities in men.  Testosterone is responsible for sex drive and aggression. It has been found to “flood” the endocrine system, particularly in men, when these men are involved in competitive and/or very “driven” and “goal oriented” activities.  Too much testosterone can be a bad thing, obviously, and can lead to violent and “out of control” behavior. Testosterone is associated with anger and destruction.  On the “plus” side, it has been postulated that evolutionarily speaking, optimal levels of testosterone in men are correlated with success on the “hunt” in “Hunter/ Gatherer” societies.  In earlier days, successful hunting was essential for survival of the species. It could be argued that the men who were doing the hunting felt good, satisfied, and content, after a successful hunt, thus creating the desire to hunt again.

Oxytocin, in contrast to testosterone, is known as the “love” hormone or the bonding hormone. Women produce it in their bodies in order to facilitate bonding with newborn babies,. It is also released in other skin-to-skin contact situations. One can imagine, again in Hunter Gatherer societies, that the women spent a lot of time together in tribes where they found safety in numbers and hung out with other females to take care of the young. There is no doubt that oxytocin release feels good.  We are, after all, social animals.

The Oxytocin/Testosterone Dance 

It must be said, of course, that both men and women produce oxytocin and testosterone, and also that people vary widely as to how much of these hormones they produce.  There are individual differences.  John Grey simply suggests that men on the whole tend to “lead” with testosterone, while women are more prone to “lead” with oxytocin. It’s important to note though “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” was first published in 1992.  In the book, Dr. Grey outlines the “dance” between men and women as a paradigm where the woman is at home with young children, soaking up the “oxytocin” with her children, but also becoming exhausted with childcare, and wanting to “bond” with her husband when he gets home. She needs the same feeling with him she was able to get with her children…but probably needs a more “adult” version than she can get from young children.  When her husband gets home, she pursues him, in Greys Scenario, and begs him to cuddle and bond with her and the children.  She wants to enfold her husband with the family oxytocin…and talk through feelings, ECT…. in order to feel more “connected” and secure

“Hubby,” on the other hand, according to Dr. Grey, has just had a full, and probably competitive day at work.  He may be feeling low levels of testosterone because he has not been successful in his projects or maybe he has been criticized or “put down”.  He may feel insecure and incompetent.  It is at this point, suggests Dr. Grey, that “Hubby” may need to temporarily “retreat”…to what has been jokingly called his “man cave”…to replenish his testosterone.  He might, for example need to work on projects or hobbies. The argument is, that he needs to have this replenishment time, before he can be available to soak up the oxytocin and bond with wife and family.

 The problem is, of course that this testosterone/oxytocin dance belongs to 1992…or even before that. (I would argue)

What About The Intimacy Oxytocin/Testosterone Dance In 2014? 

Ok…. so I think we can all agree that the world of work and family life is much different now. Family Life/work/ balance is a matter of how to more evenly share work and family responsibilities between both partners, even in “same sex” couples.  Generally, everyone wants things to feel “fair”. If not, anger and resentment can quickly build.  The reality is that the majority of adults in households with or without children actually do work in our modern society. (Statistics would bear this out) The “dance” therefore needs to be reworked with a new set of assumptions, new steps, and more careful communication than ever before. It seems to me that the essential question that needs to be asked of each “partner” in the modern “Intimacy dance” is:  “What is your particular “internal” balance in terms of how much Oxytocin you need to feel bonded, and secure with an intimate partner? When do you need this “skin to skin” and “eye to eye contact? “  What are your most vulnerable times of the day, for example?

Second Question:  “What are your testosterone needs? Do you, (regardless of your sexual identity or orientation) need to work on projects at or away from home that make you feel competent and successful before you can cuddle?  Here’s another example:  “Do you need your partner to admire your ability to “fix” things around the house, (or anywhere else for that matter) so that you can feel that satisfying surge of testosterone?

  Self-knowledge/Communication Is The Key 

I like to think of creating and building sustained intimate relationships as an on going co-creative process between any two people who actually have a desire for such a relationship.  I don’t think it matters in the least if we are talking about heterosexual or “same sex” couples. The responsibility is equally shared, I think, and entails the ability to know and communicate who you are and what you need…even as you understand deeply the different perspective and needs of your partner.  You will not be exactly the same as your “partner”, nor will you or your “partner “remain exactly the same over time.  Furthermore, your particular “partnership” mix of oxytocin/testosterone will not be the same as the one you see in any other partnership. We are all beautifully unique that way.

 So….Enjoy The Dance!!! 

What is left to say except…. do not be afraid to explore and participate in the dance! Be alert to the subtle changes in yourself and your partner that mean you need to change the steps, learn new steps, or change the “leader/follower” paradigm.   The ability to make the necessary changes is what will keep your relationship alive and vital.  It’s the Art of The Dance…. and the key to lasting joy and satisfaction.

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February…the month of sacred love

On The Nature Of Love 

At a “satsung” in Oakland the other day I was struck by the words of the well-known spiritual teacher, Adyashanti. He was addressing the central importance of “love” as the primary commerce in human connection, and he was remarking that people often lack “sovereignty” over their own hearts and minds.  Because of this, Adyashanti argued, many people find it difficult to know how to love, how to receive love, or even what love really is.

I listened more closely as Adyashanti described personal “sovereignty as having “an autonomous and empowered sense of yourself.”  This “felt” sense of self involves knowing and trusting yourself to the extent that your core beliefs, values, and passions are unshakeable and non negotiable.  In psychological terms we might call this “ego strength”, but I like the term “sovereignty” much better.  I like the idea that your entire being is like a sovereign nation and you are the true “ruler” of that nation.  Adyashanti pointed out that our greatest spiritual leaders such as Jesus, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King, possessed the ultimate in personal “sovereignty”.  All three of these leaders were of course revolutionary in their own time and their ideas were simply too threatening for those times. As is often the case, the bearers of revolutionary thought are sacrificed, even as their ideas live on.  We can live by the example of these three great “thought leaders” though, and understand that what they collectively represented and brought to the world was Love…. Pure, simple, and unconditional. I would argue that love poured out from these men and came from the core of their unshakable beliefs about mankind.

So….How does this Idea of Sovereignty” play out in The Formation Of Our Individual Identity? 

Here is how I think about it:  It seems to me that all of us in our modern culture are bombarded incessantly by messages about how to look, what to wear, how to think, what to feel.  These messages seep down into our unconscious where they comingle with messages from our childhood to create a mixed bag of   input about who we really are at the core.  It’s like computer software in a way…Programs are being run that we are not even aware of because they operate at a subliminal level. (Hence the effectiveness of advertising slogans)

What is most distressing to me is that the bottom line “message” is usually the following:  “You are not good enough at any level of your being”…simply not good enough. You must have more, do more, and be more.  Out of all this, we must cobble together some sort of an identity that is affirming, stable and consistent…no easy feat. It’s difficult to find your personal sovereignty in this climate.

The Riddle Of Forming Close Relationships When Identity Is Shaky 

In a way that has always struck me as paradoxical, we are all simultaneously both individuals and social animals.  As much as we hold tight to our shaky personal identities, we also long for personal connection.  To put it simply…we long to love and be loved.  The paradox causes conflict…. all the time. Consider the questions that we often ask ourselves when in relationship: “Will I have to give up some of me in order to be with you?”   When does “compromise” become “capitulation?”   Ideally one would neither dominate nor allow oneself to be dominated…but this ideal is hard to reach in the best of circumstances. I see it as a  the “riddle” of stable human connection  and I would argue that the riddle must be solved, or at least addressed in order to feel, express, and know true love with another person.  I think you have to know yourself…including your beliefs and passions and your boundaries, weaknesses, strengths, and vulnerabilities. and then you can truly see and appreciate those same things in another.  From this place, it seems to me that mutual unconditional love is really possible.

How To Know Yourself 

I have been thinking lately of “Practices” that facilitate the embodiment of the principle “know thyself”.  Here is what I have come up with:

1. Take a course in “mindfulness meditation”…. or really any kind of meditation…. and practice on a regular basis sitting in silence and watching your thoughts go by.  When you have mastered the technique you will notice that your mind will produce thought after thought after thought…but you will realize that your don’t have to believe any of them.  You will begin to notice patterns of recurring thoughts about yourself or the world…. and you can begin to question these thoughts.  Start just gently being curious and questioning about everything.  As the Buddha has famously said:  “Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it, or because it is spoken, written, or rumored by many…But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”…. I would just add to this that meditation sharpens your powers of observation of all things in the world…from the use of your five senses to the use of your intuition…Spend quality time with yourself just observing without doing anything else.
2. Any chance you get to walk quietly in nature is another opportunity to sharpen your powers of observation.  You can make this a “walking” meditation, as you note sounds, smells, and visual and tactile features.  When you are developing observational skills you will find that your mind is sharper and clearer about all things. You will experience directly a thought and a feeling about what you believe in, what you value, and what is true “beauty” to you.
3. Develop a questioning nature to everything anyone ever presents to you as “truth.”  Start always with the question…even if it is in your own mind…. Is this true?  Do I believe it to be true?  What if it’s not true?
4. Dare to respectfully disagree with others, while avoiding the trap of insistence that you are right. The idea is to practice “speaking your truth”…nothing more. Make room for multiple opinions knowing that other people’s opinions don’t have to threaten yours.
5. There is a practice called “morning pages” in which, for six weeks you write down everything that is on your mind every morning…first thing.  These are all the concerns that have been rolling around your unconscious all night…. This is fresh non-defended “data”.  Don’t read what you have written for six weeks.  When you look at what you have written after the six weeks it will be obvious to you what your central concerns are.  You can start then knowing yourself at a deeper level and you can begin an inquiry with yourself about those concerns, what you feel about them, what you can do about them.

So there you have it!  Good luck in your quest for self-knowledge and your pursuit of intimate relationship.  It is well worth the effort!