Key Clutter….Got A Lot Of Unnecessary Keys and other Paraphernalia on Your Key Chain?

Lighten Your Load For 2014

This Christmas my most “life changing” gift was the smallest one.  I now have a new keychain with exactly three keys on it:  1. My house key,  2. My Car key,  3. My office key.   Additionally, my keychain sports a small LED flashlight, and a remarkably small, sharp, pocketknife.  My keys and my “tools” are all I need to negotiate my daily life.  Yet, somehow, for many years now I’ve been weighed down with a gazillion unnecessary keys.  They have added weight and bulk to my purses, my coats, and my psyche.  The process of “key shedding” for me has been highly symbolic and representative of a sea change in the “shedding” of many things in my life that no longer serve.  Here’s how it happened.

A Key Inventory 

After taking all of my keys off the key chain, I did a quick inventory.  Here is what I found: 1. 3 keys to cars I no longer own, including keys to my adult daughter’s cars that are long since gone.  2. 2 keys to file cabinets that I no longer have. 3.  4 keys to doors in offices that I have no connection to at all. 4.  3 keys that I can’t even identify at all.  Some of these keys had some sentimental value and brought with them memories, so I didn’t throw them out, but I took them off the key chain.

What’s Up With All The Keys? 

In my view, keys have all kinds of meanings.  Keys open doors to houses, offices, and other private places.  Keys represent security and ownership.  Car keys have to do with autonomy and freedom.  When my daughters first learned to drive I always had copies of their car keys because I felt I needed access in case they got into trouble or lost their keys. In retrospect I can see it was a form of control as well.  I kept these keys way too long because it was hard to let go.

Keys Represent Identity 

What I have come to believe is that each of my keys represents a part of my identity.  I have a house key.  Therefore I’m a homeowner.  When I bought my first house this key conferred power and prestige to me.  A car key means I’m also a car owner.  My office key allows me a private inner sanctum where I do my work.  Homeless disenfranchised people don’t have keys, so they don’t have this identity.  I noticed that when I went from 12 keys to 3 keys I initially felt kind of lost and powerless.  Weirdly the heft and weight of my keys actually gave me this feeling of substance and importance

Shedding Keys Means Shedding the skin Of Old Identities

I don’t need keys to cars I don’t own or have access too, so these were the first keys to go. My daughters are grown and responsible for their own safety and transportation. There goes that identity. I only have one house and one office. All the other office keys finally got tossed, and I realized I kept them on the keychain because I still felt sentimentally attached to where I used to work. In some small way I was still attached to my younger identity. That’s why I kept the key. Maybe I even had an unconscious belief I might want to go back to my old job.  I usually only drive one car.  I have access to another but I don’t need the key with me all the time. I don’t need the security of having that second car key with me.  I used to think I did. It was like I felt I needed a “backup” car.

Now that I’ve downsized my key chain I feel that my identity is light, fluid, and ever changing.  It feels like I don’t anymore need so many small talismans that tie me to the material world and remind me that, yes, you are safe.  You have a place to live,  a way to get around, and a job.  That feeling now resides within me.

Do You Have Anything To Shed?

As 2013 draws to a close, it seems like a good time to think of shedding anything in your life that belongs to a previous version of you.  I’m also looking at clothes, dishes, bedding, and furniture that is no longer reflective of my present self. I don’t want things that are too big, or too small, too shabby or too youthful.  Similarly, I’m looking at belief systems that no longer serve….whole ways of looking at the world in fact, and even people who used to be a part of my life… but its time to let some of them go too.

The up side of this is that life will always come in and fill in the void that is created when something is taken away… even in those times when you cling desperately to the way things are and don’t want them to change.  I don’t know why this works, but I believe that it does.  Just…be open.  Listen and watch for new life to grow in those fallow fields….It will happen.

Fresh Air

Many of us can identify a key relationship, often formed early on in our lives, that has been profoundly influential.  For me, that relationship was the one I had with my mother.  My mother has been dead now for 31 years, but only very recently in my 63^rd year can I honestly say that I am free of the grip she has had on the manifestation of my personal identity.  Let me explain the long journey.

Make no mistake, I was a well-loved child.  I see myself actually as a child of great privilege with theoretically limitless possibilities for my education and ability to be successful in whatever I chose to do.  All of this was just “theoretical” though.  I also knew, from a very early age , that my mother had in mind a very specific blueprint for me. In reality my “choices” were much narrower than they needed to be.  I was limited by the way she saw me, and what I needed to do to keep her pleased and happy.  That’s the truth.  I wasn’t strong enough emotionally to rebel against my mothers projected image of me, except on a few important although exceedingly rare occasions.  In retrospect, I don’t even blame my mother for the reality of my childhood and adolescence.  In many ways it was a golden time.  But….it was what it was…. It was co-created by a whole cast of characters.

Fast forward to my 32^nd year, when I lost my mother tragically to breast cancer.  Although the loss at that time was devastating, I have gradually begun to realize that I lost so much more than my mother herself in 1982.  As the years went by and I faced the monumental task of raising my own daughters, the full extent of my loss came into focus.  Here is how I view the loss of my mother now:

My mother died before my eldest daughter had her first birthday.  I had always imagined that my mother would be thrilled to be a grandmother, and I looked forward to bonding with her in a new way around our now shared experience of “motherhood”.  Obviously this experience was mostly denied me, but even more importantly, as I think back on it now, I was also denied the opportunity to separate and individuate from my mother in a whole new way. Ideally, when I became a mother I could have demonstrated to my mother that I understood “motherhood”, but I was going to be a different kind of mother than she had been to me. My new motherhood could have been a chance, at last, to find a way to rebel and be different from my mother. I could have come up against her, so to speak.  I was not conscious at the time of the far-reaching effects of this loss, but I became more aware as the years went by.

Flash-forward again to 2003 and I am dealing with my own rebellious teenage daughter.  She is telling me that I’m controlling and suffocating, and that she can no longer live her life in such a way that I am always pleased and happy with her.  Oddly, although her words are vaguely familiar to me, I cannot really make the connection to my own thwarted teenage self. It does not even occur to me that I have become my mother.  I’m mostly just suffering and focused on how unbearably anxious and worried I am all the time. My mental state at that time was indeed a total “energy drainer “ and left no room for anything else.  I was actually at this time suffocating as well, and I see now that the inner experience of suffocating  actually quite literally is the inability to bring “fresh air” to a situation. It’s no coincidence to me that an anxiety attack is literally the experience of not getting enough air. That’s what I felt then, and it prevented me from seeing the “bigger picture”.  I think my daughter and I were both feeling that way.

My final “flash forward” brings me to the present day.  My daughter has ventured out on her own now and had adventures that I would have never have had at her age. Me…. somehow I was forced to “let go” of the way I had become with her…and this was really the “inner work” for me. In “letting go”, painful as it was at times, I was finally able to actually gain a much bigger perspective on what had gone on between my daughter and I, and how closely this was related to my relationship to my mother.   The insight allowed me to “let go” even more and realize it wasn’t sustainable for us to go on the way we had been.  In the end the relational paradigm kind of let go of itself. One of us had to be the one to make the move, physically away from the other, and fortunately she had the courage to do it.

So, what does this have to do with my mother?  The way I see it, the “mother/daughter” healing  I have experienced with my daughter has healed my relationship with my mother  at the same time.  There is in fact no distinction or separation between the two. What I have experienced is a change in all of my relationships with women…. friends, sisters, older and younger women alike…all of them. In a larger sense, I think there has been some “fresh air” brought to my personal and archetypal female lineage, and I’m hopeful that this will carry forward to future generations.

Subjectively, I know that I breathe fine now.  The air is clearer, the colors are brighter, my voice is louder and carries more authority, and my life feels infused with new energy and excitement.  For me the lesson is a hopeful one.  The damage done “in relationship” can best be healed “in relationship”, it is never too late, and new opportunities are always presenting themselves.

The kiss that symbolizes the ultimate betrayal

The picture above depicts Judah bestowing a kiss on Jesus Christ. This “kiss”, often referred to as “the kiss of death”, symbolizes Judah’s betrayal of Jesus. As the story tells it, with the “kiss”, Judah is revealing to the Roman soldiers the identity and whereabouts of Jesus. The information leads directly to Jesus’s death.  Judah’s kiss is an apt metaphorical illustration of the nature of betrayal in our culture.  In the worst acts of betrayal, you find subterfuge and deception, as is the case with Judah who “pretends” love and loyalty while planning the ultimate “double cross”.  When betrayed in our intimate personal relationships we feel both “stung” and outraged.  How could we have been so wrong about someone we loved and trusted?  We may doubt ourselves and/or imagine that the next “Judah” is right around the corner.

The Devastation Of Betrayal In Relationship

John Gottman is a relationship expert who has been studying long term committed relationships for over thirty years.  His goal is to discover the secret ingredient of “relationship longevity”.  Dr. Gottman’s research is unique in the field of  “relationship” study because of the large body of data he has amassed in longditutional studies of the same couples over a 30 year period.  Gottman’s findings about the role of betrayal in relationship disintegration are particularly interesting and offer some valuable insights about how to recognize “betrayal” as it insinuates itself into virtually every relationship at some point in the relationship. The good news is that a small betrayal can actually be repaired if “caught” early enough.  A small betrayal can be worked through to strengthen the relationship…thus avoiding “the kiss of death”.

     Anyone who has been betrayed in a long term relationship by the unfaithfulness of his/ her partner can attest to the profound and long lasting nature of this particular type of betrayal.  Almost by definition an “affair” starts out in secret…and at least in my experience…. restoring trust when there has been this ultimate breech is close to impossible.  How do you even begin to do that? assuming both partners even want to.?

A Sligthly Different View About Affairs And Betrayal

Dr. Gottman takes a slightly different view about how and why affairs begin, and then seem to gather momentum and flourish in some marriages.  Many of us, myself included, have  always assumed that some men and women, for a myriad of reasons, are prone to have affairs.  Dr. Gottman thinks this is usually not the case. Although he agrees that “extra marital affairs” are huge and often insurmountable  betrayals, he has also found that he is able to predict those who are prone to the most egregious of betrayals because of the many smaller betrayals that preceded them. The small betrayals begin to add up and form an atmosphere where larger betrayals can more easily flourish. …especially when an opportunity presents itself.  What does he mean by “small” betrayals?

The Importance Of Trust

To understand the nature of betrayal it seems important to add the word “trust”…that is to say “betrayal” means “betrayal of trust”. If you’re talking about trust between people it implies there is an agreement of sorts between them. Each partner in the agreement has to trust the other to abide by the terms of the agreement. The agreement may be  verbally explicit and/or written….or it can be implied, unspoken, assumed.  In marriage and long term relationships I think this is where the trouble comes in.  Many details of the “agreement” may be quite vague .  If you have an actual legal marriage you may have verbalized some vows about, say love. Honor…respect.  But…what do these things really mean, operationally?  Your idea of what you may expect from me in terms of honor and respect is very different from what I think honor and respect are.  

In Gottmans research he actually watched the interactions of couples as they stayed for weeks at a time in apartments he had set up for them.  He had video equipment set up to record everything they said and did and he also made minute observations of facial expressions.  He even recorded heart rate and other measures of high emotional arousal.

After analyzing his data, Dr. Gottman concluded that couples spend a large amount of time in their day to day interactions trying to figure out what the other person expects of them, and being disappointed that they are not getting what they expect. For some of the couples, the constant sniping at one another, the angry “flare ups’ the “stonewalling”  and constant criticism of one other means that each member of the couple actually feels quite profoundly disappointed and betrayed.  This marriage was just not what was expected, and nobody is talking about it.

Dr. Gottman found that the couples that had more resilient  marriages also had deep disappointments in each other and betrayals did occur.  The difference was that a small disappointment or betrayal was actually talked about.  Gradually the couple was able to form new agreements with each other based on issues that would just “come up” spontaneously.  When I read this, I thought of one specific instance where my husband and I had been having coffee with a couple that he knew, but I was just meeting for the first time.  In the course of our first casual conversation, my husband described an issue in our marriage that is yet unresolved and very private and tender for me.  I was furious!  In this instance I felt betrayed and told him so later on.  The key point here is that he was totally stunned. I had to educate him that this issue was not open for public discussion.  So…that became a new agreement between us.

In closing I think it’s important to note that Gottmans conclusions inevitably oversimplify the complex matrix that is a long term relationship. What is not clearly elucidated, I think, is the fact that both partners in the relationship have to be willing to recognize and understand the importance of the constant “tuning in” to each other and the communication that is necessary. One person can’t do it solo.  I have always felt that whatever is created is in fact “co-created”…which means that whenever one member of the couple feels there is trouble…the other member has to be willing to look into the situation and do the “work”. The hopeful message in Gottmans research is that it is not the betrayals per se that are the problem…quite the opposite. The betrayals, or you could also say misattunements  actually provide the solution if you bring them into the light, and “speak out” about them.

By Leslie Kays MFT

Are You Tired Of being Brokenhearted

Are you at a time in your life when it seems that relationships just don’t seem to work out?  Maybe you have experienced repeated rejections, or maybe you just can’t seem to find the right person to make a commitment to.  Whatever the particulars of your story, you may feel “cursed” or just “unlucky”.  Its easy to feel that its time to just give up on the discouraging pursuit of finding the right “person”.  I have another idea.  Maybe there is nothing “wrong” with you at all. Maybe there is nothing  “wrong” with the people you seem to meet either.  Maybe its just time to consider your “readiness” to recognize and receive your true “soul mate”.  Here are some questions you might want to consider about your “readiness”. These are questions you can ask yourself.  The order of the questions is important. You will find that the answer to each question helps you to answer the next one.

1. Do You Like Yourself?  It seems like an easy enough question, right?  This is the most important question to start with though, because the relationship you have with yourself is foundational to all your other relationships.  To put it simply, how can you expect anyone to want to be around you, if you can’t stand to be around yourself?  True self-esteem means the ability to take a fearless inventory of yourself and honestly face your strengths and weaknesses.  In spite of all of who you are, (0r you could even say because of all you are),  you  love yourself unconditionally.  This is not to be confused with narcissism, which appears to be “self” love but is actually an emptiness inside that can never be filled enough.  If you can’t love yourself, you may be always seeking a partner who can love you enough.  It will probably never be enough, and the relationship won’t last.

 2.    Are You Still Holding Onto “Baggage” From Previous Relationships? Maybe you have been married and there was a bitter and painful divorce.  You have truly been “done wrong” and you are understandably hurt and angry. You simply are not ready to “forgive” the person who hurt you. Or maybe you simply haven’t taken time to grieve that which has been lost.  You have not been able to “let go”, for whatever reason.  In either of these cases, its helpful to take time to work through what went wrong, and to look at the part you may have played.  This can be a painful and humbling experience, but it is well worth the time spent. It is my own bias that its important to work toward forgiveness of the person who hurt you in order to give your next relationship the best possible shot at success.

 3.    If You Have Been In Previous Failed Relationships, have you been able to Identify Any Patterns?  Identification of relationship patterns is essential in order to have that “aha” moment regarding  the part you may be playing repeatedly in the failure of your relationships to be sustaining and fulfilling.   When you find a pattern…. such as, for example, “I seem to get hooked up with handsome, womanizer types who cheat”, then you can become curious about this.  Curiosity is essential because it is the first step toward self-awareness.  Self-awareness is the gateway to change.

4.  Once you have Identified Patterns, You Can Go The Next Step And Consider Your Lifelong Attachment Patterns.   This is where things get really interesting.  You may feel that you are not consciously choosing the people that you end up attached and attracted to, but in fact there are unconscious forces at work that have to do with the relationships you had with your early caregivers. Couples therapists have found over and over again that attraction patterns in couples have to do with unmet childhood needs. Unconsciously you fantasize that “the right person,” will absolutely and completely fulfill and take care of you in a way that either you never have been, or never got enough of.  Figuring this out can be really helpful because it can explain how the initial “attraction” you felt may have been informed by this fantasy. An attraction informed by fantasy often doesn’t last.  There is an inevitable disillusionment that can feel baffling and can crush the spirit.

 5..It is my belief that the “inner work” of self-awareness, along with a conscious bolstering of self-esteem, and taking time to look at childhood attachment patterns, will serve you well as you make yourself available for a truly miraculous soul connection. You will know who you are, and you will find that the qualities you seek in a relationship are the qualities of a person who is actually healthy for you.  I’m going to go one step further on this and say…. this is exactly when the right relationship will show up.

“Cattitude”  (AKA  “Cat Attitude)

Lessons From Our Feline Companions About Maintaining High Self Esteem

Zen Cat

I’m a cat person.  I always have been.  I’ve been thinking lately about the relationship I have with my present cat, Phantom, as well as all my previous cats. Specifically, I’ve been pondering the question of why I derive such a feeling of contentment and peace just being in the presence of Phantom. Sometimes just watching him is enough.  As I contemplate this question further, I realize that the feeling of peace I derive from my cat relationships is not just my relationship to my cat.  No no…it’s more than that. I’m also endlessly fascinated by Phantom’s relationship to his own little internally constructed “cat” world.  I don’t think I’m alone in this, so I welcome any one else’s thoughts on the subject.  So…what exactly is the nature of the “cat” world?  I don’t really know for sure of course, but here is what I imagine, based on decades of careful observation.

Phantom is content to remain at home all day long. He basically wanders from room to room all day sleeping and eating at will with no demands on him to do anything else.  I imagine him not at all bored with this activity.  Phantom just has to BE and that’s pretty much it.  His existence seems to be the ultimate of “Isness.

 When I get home every day I call for Phantom.  He may or may not come.  If Phantom is enjoying a snooze in a sunny spot or otherwise engaged, he’ll show up later.  The thing is, Phantom knows that whenever he chooses to grace me with his presence, I will be happy to see him. But lets face it, Phantom, and most of the well cared for and secure cats I know, is basically his own boss.  If he’s in the mood for me, he will respond to my affection.  With a few exceptions I’m pretty much always in the mood for my cat. He draws me in with his simple grace and beauty and I’m hooked.

Is there another creature alive that can relax completely in the way a cat does?  Check out that languid sinuous cat body as it virtually melts onto the surface of the cushion, or the piano, or the cool tile.  A cat can be happy on so many surfaces, but he  always arranges his limbs perfectly and efficiently.  Ever notice how your cat gets up from his nap? Wish you could stretch in such a satisfying way? It all just comes so naturally!

  And what about the cats ability to sleep for long periods of time?  Seriously. What must the dreamworld of a cat be like? I imagine my cat creating an endless playground of delights as he sleeps.  In dreams, we can create whatever we want. My cat must surely be creating something he really enjoys.  Otherwise…he would not sleep so much.  Cats don’t do what they don’t want to do.

When my cat is relaxing, he’s not always sleeping…so I imagine he must spend endless hours in some kind of blissful meditative state, again…just…being 

So, in conclusion I’ve decided I like to be with my cat fundamentally because there is a part of me that longs to be a cat myself.  Please, please, just allow me endless hours of relaxed sleep and meditation. Let me just revel in the miracle of my own existence and not have to be so busy all the time.  Let me be completely content with who I am and where I am in each moment. Let me “live” in the moment the way my cat does.  Let me be capable of relaxing completely in my own body and let me be so sure of myself all the time that “letting go” and falling asleep is never a problem

This is what I mean by “Cattitude”.  I want more of it.  Sometimes I can’t find any of it at all, and my meditation becomes  just watching my cat to see if I can get it back.

How about you?    Got “Cattitude?”

The Liberation Of Forgiveness

Scanning through Facebook postings several days ago I ran across a simple phrase that stunned me with its simple truth.  Max Lucado is a minister, spiritual teacher, and author in Texas who has the following to say about Forgivenes

“Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner”

(thank you BTW to Esther Maria de Najarro for gifting this to me)

When I read these two simple sentences, I knew they were true, but I didn’t know exactly why.  It’s like that with poetry I think…the metaphorical economy of language causes us to meditate on the meaning in our own lives.  Here is what I have come up with:

In my mind this quote speaks directly to an illusion I have often fallen prey to when it comes to people who have truly “wronged” me. I would say the illusion is particularly strong in cases where I feel I am “owed” an apology.

So….what is the Illusion?

When someone has hurt me very deeply, it feels like if I hold on fiercely to my anger I am punishing this person just as fiercely.  I am withholding my love, my friendship, and my respect so that they can “feel” as badly as I do.  The illusion comes in, I think, with the fantasy that I can really know, understand, or control the way another person feels.  Still harboring this fantasy, I might imagine that if I forgive them I will set them free from…what?…the guilt they “ought” to feel? I don’t want to set them free in this scenario.  I want them to suffer

So….What  Actually Is The Reality?

It seems to me that the reality is that we can never really fully understand the way a person thinks and feels…much less ultimately control it. My story of how things are or ought to be is just that, my story….Its certainly not the story of the person who hurt me.   Its true, I think, that my forgiveness may release the person who hurt me from feeling guilty or just badly (if indeed the person feels this way)….and that’s a bonus if it happens. Its also true though, that I may never know. And I can’t really let it matter.

So….Whose Freedom Is Really At Stake?

When I can really forgive (and I’m not saying I’ve always been 100% successful)..I think I have actually released myself and given myself a gift. I am no longer chained to the story of me as a victim of my life, and of my anger. I can move on to new connections and relationships that aren’t eyed with the suspicion that is created by my past. Now I’m really free

So….how about you?  Any stories of forgiving or not forgiving that you’d like to share?  I would love to hear them.

The Lotus Blosom
symbol of Health and Wholeness

In his article, “The Seven Habits Of Emotionally Healthy People” the author Guy Winch makes the point that most of us are more alert to threats to our physical well being as opposed to threats to our emotional well being.  I couldn’t agree more.  Many of us guard our physical health religiously and proactively by eating right, taking vitamins, exercising, taking our medications…ect ect.  When we are physically injured we treat that injury, by setting the bone, or putting dressings on the scrape or abrasion.  In our daily lives we try to adopt healthy habits in order to minimize physical issues.

What about in the realm of our emotional and psychological health?  Are we generally “proactive” about safeguarding our emotional health?  Do we consciously adopt lifestyle habits that enhance emotional health?  What might these habits look like?  Dr. Winch has identified seven “habits” that he argues are the best indicators of emotionally healthy and resilient person.  I invite you to take an inventory and see how you do.

1 .Develop the habit of  “failing” successfully.

You can do this by “debriefing” yourself after each life incident that did not meet expectation.  Separate the factors that were in your control from the ones that were out of your control.  Now you can reassess.  Do you need to change expectations, or change your approach?  Simply put, learn from your mistakes…move on

 2.    Derive Meaning from your Losses

There is obviously no way to guard against the fact of “loss” in our lives.  It will happen.  All the research suggests that those who thrive after a devastating loss do so only because they move toward finding meaning in the event.  Think of Paul Klass who after the murder of his daughter Polly, discovered that his healing comes in helping parents find their lost children. As human beings we need to find meaning.

 3.  Disrupt the Cycle of ruminating over distressing events..  The incessant going over and over events that we do in order to understand “what happened” or “why” rarely brings any fresh insight. After a time, it is simply not helpful, and becomes harmful.  Better to distract yourself with something else.

 4 .Nurture Self Esteem. Flagging self-esteem means that the emotional immune system needs to be refueled. Practice “radical” self-love, acceptance, and compassion. Become your own best friend as you remind yourself of your best qualities

5. Boost Self Worth…. related to self-esteem, this means actively engaging in activities that showcase your best self.  Whatever you are good at do it…doesn’t matter what it is. Be with people who constitute your “fan” base…. don’t be with people who don’t appreciate you…. at least any more than you have to.

 6.  Combat Loneliness…It is Dr. Winch’s contention that loneliness is an often under diagnosed problem in chronic depression.  When we are isolated, the feelings of self worth diminish in a downward spiral. It is easy to convince ourselves that we are unloved and to stop reaching out to people for fear of rejection. Its important to not let this happen.

7. Forgive and absolve yourself and others.  Forgiveness research is pointing more and more to the importance of forgiving others for what they have done to you, as well as apologizing for what you may have done. Of course it’s not always easy, and it’s important to keep in mind that forgiving is not tantamount to condoning the action. Related to forgiving is cultivating empathy for yourself and others.

So, that’s the list.

Looking at this myself I can identify that some days are better that others in terms of my good emotional habits.  How about you?

picture curtesy of Linda Muniz

Two days ago I attended a wedding at “Notre Dame Des Victories” Church in San Francisco.  The reception was held at the famous “Palace” hotel nearby.  Pictured here are the bride and groom, Bill and Camille, as they “kick off” the wedding reception and their married life with “The First Dance”.  The photo only begins to reveal the exquisite beauty of the Palace hotel with its Beaux Arts architecture and signature chandeliers…you had to be there to fully appreciate it.

This day was memorable to me, not only because of the extraordinary beauty and elegance of the Church and the Palace hotel. I was also deeply moved by the detailed planning of the event which made it not only a celebration of new beginnings for this couple but an honoring of “past” new beginnings.  The church, for example was the same church that the grooms parents had been married in.  The reception was held in the exact location that the bride’s parents had held their reception.  Pictures of these events of the past were displayed for wedding guests to see.  How cool is that? When wedding guests entered the church they were given a program of events. In this program was the following collective message from the bride and groom.  It reads (in part)…”Thank you especially to our parents for raising us to be the perfect person for the other, and for making this wonderful day and every other day possible”.  On reading this I was struck by this simple but profound acknowledgement of the chain of events that is always guiding each of us to experience the exact perfect moment of “now”.  Our parents are, of course our most direct link in the chain, but in a larger sense everyone we meet is part of the chain.  I reflected upon this often during the course of the evening.

In the days following the wedding, I found myself reflecting on the fact that events such as weddings, graduations, and other “rites of passage” are always very emotional…especially for me, as I grow older.  What is that “prick” of tears that begins to spill over during the wedding procession?  What is that euphoric joy mixed with melancholy that overcomes us when listening to the bride’s father as he remembers the birth of his daughter?  Thinking about it now, it occurs to me that weddings, graduations, and other rites of passage are simultaneously a beginning and an ending. It’s almost too much to process, in a way, that knowledge that you are the witness to a shift.  Change is actually happening all the time, but with transitional events it seems to occur so suddenly…we don’t always see it coming. I guess that’s why we need the ritual…to celebrate, acknowledge, and maybe even grieve a bit for what has been lost in order to make room for what is now gained.

As the evening wore on with the wedding reception, it felt so important that the music reflected the music of all of the generations of wedding guests.  I have no idea if this was intentional or not, but it seemed that the music was planned so that it began with “baby boomer” and even earlier music…and ended up with contemporary stuff…the stuff that seems utterly “undanceable” to me.  The kickoff song “I’m a believer” by the monkees was so perfect.  At that moment I think all of us there felt that we were “true believers”.  We believed in what was happening right then and right there.  I noticed a full participation happening.

Toward the end of the evening (for me), I had a conversation with someone close to my age range.  She lamented that when she was younger she could “dance all night”….no longer.  No longer for me either.  There was some sadness with this realization, but also some relief…I have to say.  I think of Maurice Chevalier in the movie “Gigi” when he sings,..”I’m so glad that I’m not young anymore”.  In the course of this song this dashing French actor of the 1930’s and1940’s speaks of how he can now just sit back and watch the “drama” of the young as their lives unfold before him.

I kind of feel the same way. In the last hour before I left this memorable day it was time to just “sit back and enjoy the show”…. and that’s exactly what I did.

the rewards of mature love

 The folksinger John McClutchen sings a song about the sweet ripening of love discovered and nurtured later in life. It brings a tear of joy to my eye to hear him sing it.  The song, entitled “Old People In Love”, has a chorus after each verse.  It goes like this:

Old people in love

I wonder how they do it

Old people in love

What kind of grace gets them through it?

Listening to this song recently got me to thinking of the kind of grace at work in mature love.  When you have been living a long life, and you have experienced the “full catastrophe” of living, I don’t think you “fall” or “stay” in love in quite the same way as when you were young.  In our youth, it seems to me, “falling in love” is fueled by hormonal excitement and sexual chemistry. As I recall “young” love, it’s also about exhibiting your “catch” to family and friends.  What a “hunk” is he, or what a “babe” is she. Later on… not so much.  Hormones and chemistry may still play a part but mature love has a different texture to it.  It feels quieter and subtler.  In fact, it has been my experience and observation that more “mature” attraction is often difficult for others to understand.  The attraction you feel is more of an “inner “ experience.  Furthermore, it ceases to matter weather other people really “get” your devotion to your partner.  It only matters that you “get” it, and others feel your sense of peace and contentment.  Its part of the “grace”

For me the “grace” is also the fact that you are willingly attaching yourself to someone who will most assuredly be declining in health in the coming years.  Added to this, you yourself are  declining as well.  Of course we all are, no matter what our age.  The difference is, in old age there is no longer the illusion that it can be otherwise.  The evidence appears in the mirror, and in the face of our beloved on a daily basis.  Eventually, we all see it.

Letting go of the illusion of eternal youth can be incredibly freeing in a mature relationship.  Whereas earlier in life you may have looked at your partner and focused negatively on the imperfections of the sagging flesh, the pot belly, or the receding hairline, now all of these things become incredibly dear to you.  They are dear just because they are part of your loved one’s corporality and proof of his/her continued existence in your life.  Your beloved acknowledges and loves the imperfections in you as well.  These little oddities in both of you can even be part of your conversation…. but not in a bad and demeaning way.  Not ever in a way that seeks to change anything.  Time is precious, as you are reminded every day the longer you live.  Why waste it?

In another verse of his song, John McClutchen refers to the expanded clear vision of mature love in the following way:

“Cause they see with a truth

They were blind to in youth

It’s a gift from above

Old people in love”

It does seem to be a “gift from above”, this kind of love that stands the test of time and indeed gets better and deeper with each passing year.  John McClutchen ends his song in this way:

“So let the long years have their way

Still every night of the year I pray

That the first and the last thing I see

Each day is you”

Old People in Love.

I couldn’t possibly say it any better

friendship On Amtrak

 For a long time I’ve had a fantasy about traveling on an overnight train over a long distance. I guess its something about the romance of falling asleep to the rhythm of the rails, as well as being drawn to an earlier era when travel was leisurely and relaxed.  For whatever reason, a long train trip was on my “bucket” list.  Now I can check it off. Two weeks ago, my husband and I boarded the California Zephyr in Emeryville, California and arrived in Chicago, Illinois 52 hours later. Yes, I loved sleeping to the rhythm of train travel. Yes, the scenery as viewed from the observation car was breathtaking. What was the most surprising and delightful, though, was meeting and interacting with all the passengers who boarded the train at various locations. These were, after all, totally random people.  These were people who I ordinarily would never meet, let alone carry on amazingly intimate conversations with. And yet, intimacy was exactly what developed between myself and this odd assortment of people.  How did this happen?  I’ve developed a theory to explain it. Here it is:

  When you pay for a “roomette”, formerly known as a “Pullman” berth in a train…you also get all of your meals included.  On Amtrak they practice “community” seating at meals.  This means you will be seated with new people at every single meal.  At first I was really resistant to this idea, but since there was no choice, I got used to it.  By the end of the trip I really loved it.  Here are the things I discovered that surprised me.

1. People are rarely who you expect them to be when you just glance at them briefly as they board the train.  I suspect I am like everyone else in that I make up stories about people based on how they look, move, talk, and dress.  What I discovered, though, was that my stories were just that….. Stories.  The “hick” looking couple from Mississippi were far, far from ignorant and “redneck”.  I guess it just takes being captively placed with people to make that discovery.  What a shame. I think I need to look at my “storytelling”.
2. Once you open up a little bit to people and ask them about their jobs and families, you would be surprised how much you have in common. A rebellious teenager in Cleveland Ohio is much the same as a rebellious teenager in Oakland.  This was comforting to know. I felt less “lonely”.

I guess somewhere along the line it occurred to me that I could say anything I wanted, and share anything I wanted with the people on this train.  The reality was, I was never going to see any of them again.  That’s kind of the “deal” you make in these situations I think.  Its part of the appeal of travel that there is ultimately no “reputation” to worry about…no nasty gossip to follow you around.  Essentially, you get to be anonymous, which is incredibly freeing.  It got me to thinking that if I was in any way “famous”, I would never be free in this way. (No danger of that!)

My final thought about train travel is that it’s actually a metaphor for life. Aren’t we all, after all, just “Passing Through” the lives of all the people we come into contact with? I’m reminded of a song I learned in the sixth grade entitled “Passing Through”.  Here’s the chorus to the song:

Passing Through, Passing Through

Sometimes happy, sometimes blue

Glad that I ran into you

Tell the people that you saw me passing through

I’m so glad I met all the people on this train. They will never be strangers, even though it’s unlikely I will see any of them again.